Bonding and Attachment

The lovely Claudia has challenged us to write about our experience with bonding and attachment. I have written bits and pieces of our experience before, but I am writing again because I think this is such an important topic and it's something I worried a good deal about before deciding to adopt...and still do. In some ways our road to attachment has been exactly what I expected, and in other ways completely unexpected. It has been a challenging road at times but ultimately we have been very lucky and are in a good place as I write this. I believe that sharing these stories, albeit personal and sometimes difficult, will help each other and the families who are on the road to bringing their own kiddos home, so thanks for the inspiration, Claudia. Here's what the road has looked like for us thus far.

The first three days that we knew our boys they were nothing short of perfect. There were no tears. They were affectionate. They made eye contact. They snuggled and giggled and sang us a little song.

"Mommy, Daddy, I love you! Mommy, Daddy, America!"

I remember thinking after they fell sound asleep that first night that maybe the whole attachment and bonding thing with two three-year-olds wasn't going to be as challenging as I had feared.

Then on day three things changed. Our agency hosted a farewell coffee ceremony at the orphanage and I think that was the trigger, although it may have been just the length of time together. That day we met the beautiful women who had cared for our boys for nine months and we got to see first hand that they had been loved and loved in return. It was traumatic for the boys, to say the least, and for us too. One didn't want to be there and the other rejected us in favor of all that was familiar and did not want to leave with us to return to the guest house. They both cried their little hearts out and I did too. It was the first time I had seen their tears and it broke my heart and made me realize how very little I knew about how to parent these children. For the rest of our stay in Ethiopia both boys wanted to be with the Ethiopian women who worked at the guest house more than with us and their rejection hurt. It's what I expected, but in so many ways it was tougher than I ever imagined.

Things remained like this for the first couple months home.  When we had visitors they would revert back to the charming little boys we had known for the first three days, but alone with us they were angry and confused and sad. There was so much crying and yelling that I thought for sure our neighbors were going to call social services. They clung to me like their lives depended on it, but I don't think they liked me very much. I remember telling my mother in July how much I liked it when she came to visit because the boys were so much nicer to me when she was around. The majority of their interactions with each other consisted of fighting for my attention or taking food from each other. There was hitting and spitting and they found and pushed every button of ours that they could find, both literally and figuratively, in an attempt to control a world that they had lost all control over. 

I felt like a huge failure. Not only did I feel like I had no idea what to do most of the time, but it is not easy to like someone who is assaulting you physically and emotionally all day. Still, my heart was one hundred and ten percent committed to meeting their needs as best I could, and so that's what I tried to do. I stuck to a predictable routine. We discussed that routine a hundred times a day. I got food on the table as quickly as I could, and explained again and again that the food was coming, and that there was always going to be enough of it. I tried to be playful and patient--often I failed. We gave them choices at every opportunity to help them feel some sense of control over their worlds. Do you want the pink plate or the black plate? The yellow shirt or the green one? Asking them if they wanted to walk or be carried helped immensely when they didn't want to go where we needed them to go. I lay with them held them in bed every night while they cried and screamed for hours, and around month three when they started calling for me in the middle of the night I began co-sleeping (and still do). I carried them around in the baby carrier at every opportunity. One day in July Dash cried and cried for no apparent reason until I strapped him to my body. It was ninety degrees with a hundred percent humidity but it was the only thing that comforted him so that's how we spent the day. I reread Karyn Purvis and Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child every night in an attempt to gain some perspective and control over a world that I had lost all control over.

Slowly we started to see changes. They began to relax when it was just the three or four of us alone at home. In month three we introduced time-outs (time-ins, actually) and a sticker chart reward system. While the initial introduction of discipline led to some rebellion, I believe ultimately the added structure helped them feel more secure, and it made our lives much easier. In months four through seven we battened down the hatches and kept social visits to a minimum. It made a difference and we started to feel a new sense of calm settle in. Dash started giving and asking for hugs and kisses many times a day, and Taye hit that stage a couple months later. They stopped competing with each other and started playing together. They stopped needing a hundred percent of my attention a hundred percent of the time and they started showing signs that they were growing to respect and trust and even love us. 

At month nine we are still very much on the journey but there is real love between us now and I believe we are all more secure in that love. Every three months I look back and marvel at how far we have come so I know we aren't "there" yet, where ever "there" might be, but we are lucky--our boys have known the love of a family before so they already knew how to love and attach to us. As I wrote last week, they have finally bonded with my husband, which was a huge step forward. I don't know exactly why it took longer with Mark, but it probably has something to do with only having been cared for by women in the past. I do know that it is not uncommon for a child to have a stronger bond to one parent over the other. My heart goes out to those in this position--the rejection I experienced at the beginning of our life together was by far the hardest part. As I wrote a few days ago--we are fortunate to have hit an ooey-gooey love stage, and it feels great. They talk about being a family, the four of us, and how it makes them happy. They talk about how much they love us, and they tell me that touching my skin makes them feel good. Taye likes me to kiss his eyelids. I don't know why, but I do it as often as he wants.

We still face challenges, but I now recognize that when they are afraid they get big, mischievous grins on their faces, become extremely loud and charming, and exhibit an energy that we used to see all the time, but now only see in unfamiliar environments when they are getting attention from others. Being charming and funny is their coping mechanism. They still want to hug and kiss every adult that glances their way and will crawl into another adult's lap and snuggle up at every opportunity. Because I am not completely secure in my own attachment, these situations are hard for me. The hardest behavior is the fact that they run away from us in public places. I don't know whether to think this is a sign of being secure and independent, or whether it is a sign that they aren't really attached, but it terrifies me! We have yet to leave them alone with anyone but we are planning to take this step soon. Taye figured out the other day that kids ride the school bus without their parents and he wanted me to know that he wants nothing to do with going some place without me, so that might be an indication of how this next step will go. We believe in moving slowly with this step, and we are fortunate that we are able to do so, but we also know at some point we need to do it. We'll see who has a harder time with it, them or me!

I personally believe that bonding and attachment is a life long journey in every relationship regardless of how that relationship came to be. I am grateful that I feel happy with our progress and think that we are in a good place with the worst of it behind us, but I know that this is just the beginning and there will be new challenges up ahead. The only thing I can be certain of is that my heart will always be one hundred and ten percent committed to meeting their needs as best I can!

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I highly encourage you to head over to Claudia's blog and read the rest of these posts. They provide amazing insight and perspective on this topic.