Looking Backward and Moving Forward

Mama! This may be my first ride in a NYC taxi, but I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL!

When we were waiting to bring our boys home we became friends with several families who had already adopted children. Many of those families told us "the first year is hard."

Now that we are into our second year as a family I can see the truth in that simple statement. We felt lucky with our transition in so many ways right from the beginning, and noted significant progress each month, but looking back I can say that our first year together really was hard. Behind closed doors Mark and I marvel at it and say, "Remember last year?!" The boys say it too. They say, "Remember when I was scared of (that person, that animal, that place) last year?!" Adopting older children is undoubtedly harder in some ways but it is also such an amazing gift. Their early memories are just one of those gifts.

The only thing that renders silence in this family
is shiro and injera!

For those who haven't been following, we arrived home with the boys June 1st last year. Everything from the weather to the food to our activities this summer reminded us of our first and most challenging months as a family. These shared memories and the traditions we have forged over the year seem to anchor us in some way now. Places, the smell of the air, even the way the light falls in their room all feel familiar now. Physically I no longer have a constant pit of worry in my stomach. The boys are no longer on high alert and no longer wonder what it means to be a family. If they are scared--or hurt or tired or sad--they tell me, instead of slipping into controlling behaviors or snuggling into the lap of another adult (phew--that one was so hard for us as new parents).

One of the boys (that little cutie to the left) was so shy last year that he barely spoke until October. Now he rarely stops speaking! Tonight at dinner he told me a long, complex story about dinosaurs and pirates and what they did and where they went on their adventures. He was slow to trust us and his affections came from a different place last year. Now he is truly loving, outgoing but not falsely charming, and we have seen real steps toward his attachment being secure.

The other child was always on best behavior last year. He was sweet and loving and cooperative almost all of the time. This summer, once they started summer school, he tried on a number of not-so-perfect behaviors in imitation of a new classmate. When the reprimand came his eyes would turn down at the corners and he would say, "You don't love me???????" We reminded him again and again that we love him no matter what (but that we don't love that behavior!). With a lot of patience, reassurance and the resurrection of the "sticker chart" (Oh how I love you sticker chart! Your concrete boundaries and rewards work so well for my little ones!) the new testing behaviors seem to have faded away recently. More steps on the journey to secure attachment I hope...

How can you be afraid of a NYC taxi on the lap of a Dad like that?

My smart, beautiful, sweet boys...your resiliency amazes me.

Taye, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mom and Daaaaaaad!!!!!!!"         Dash, "Taye! Be cool, Brother!!!!!!"

With the advent of memories as a family, the boys seem to have forgotten most of their life before us. We still look at pictures and their lifebooks together but they used to tell me things about the people and places in those pictures. About three months ago, coinciding with the time we arrived in America, they started asking me questions about their past as if they had forgotten it all. I know this is probably normal but it surprised me given how strong their memories of Ethiopia were six months ago.

They do remember some things. One of the earliest pictures we have of the boys was taken the week they arrived at Gladney. It is a difficult picture to look at because they are so small and thin and sad--it doesn't even look like them until you look closely at their eyes. However difficult this picture is to look at, it is an important piece of their history and I do not hide it from them. The other day it was sitting on the shelf above their dresser, which I still put them on to lotion their hair and skin in the morning. One of the boys picked it up and started looking at it intently. I gave him a minute and then asked if he knew who those boys were.

"Yes. Dash and Taye."
"Do you remember where that was taken?"
"Yes, Effeopia."
"What else do you remember, Sweetie?"
"Dash and Taye needed a mommy...."

Gulp. I thought for certain Mark must have said that to them at some point but he says no and no one else has seen that picture other than the person who took it.

Dash, "I cannot believe I am standing in front of a T-Rex!"    Mark, "Please take the picture. This kid is really heavy!"

My smart, beautiful, sweet boys...your courage astounds me.

Dash, "This horse is ok but I reaaaaaly like these girls!"

There is so much more I want to say about the last few months but in the interest of actually publishing this post I will refrain. I have started to write but failed to finish six posts over the last two months! There are the obvious reasons. Work has been extremely busy. I try to focus all my time outside of work on the boys and over the summer that time was spent outdoors at the pool, or the zoo, or gardening or some other activity that was unconducive to blogging. 

There are also other reasons. Big things have been happening in the Horn of Africa with drought and famine. Big things have been happening in Ethiopia with families and children suffering, the future of adoptions uncertain and the closing of orphanages, including the one our boys were at (not Gladney, the government orphanage they spent a week at). There are big things happening within our own extended family not to mention what's happening in our country. It feels awkward posting happy-go-lucky updates on the adventures of Dash and Taye in light of these things and it makes me wish I was a better writer.

I have also spent some of my alone time--you know, the couple hours after the boys go to sleep when I should be at the gym--sitting on my neighbor's front stoop cherishing new friends. Yes, they are my neighbors and no, I did not really know them until recently. This probably sounds odd to some of you but as a childless, city dwelling, professional my social life always revolved around coworkers or going out to dinner with Mark or friends. I am so grateful to have this wonderful group of women (and men too, but it's the women who nourish me) steps from my front door. 

And ok, here I go rambling and getting into other topics when I really just want to POST SOMETHING...

Is anyone even still reading?! LOL

Dinos Rule!

The Greatest Gifts

Today is my birthday. On this day for the past several years, our lack of children was the first thing to enter my mind.

This morning I woke up sandwiched between my two sweet and super snugly little boys. Before my eyes were open, before I even uttered a sound, my sons sang Happy Birthday to me. I couldn’t believe it! My joyful surprise was reflected in their smiles, as they beamed with pride at making me so happy.

Best birthday e.v.e.r. and it's not even 9 o'clock yet!

Gratuitous Cuteness

Surviving and Thriving

It’s 5 PM and I am already sitting at our dining room table, thanks to a work-from-home day. I am encircled by a large and impressive IKEA wooden train track, and two happy boys are drawing on either side of me.

Taye’s drawing is a controlled, multi-colored composition. Each color is drawn in a different style, and each style represents a different object. The long orange zigzag is a slide. The small green swirl is a swing, as is the purple line, connected at either end by solid ovals. The yellow and pink circles are circles. He tells me this with a look that says, “Momma, you should know that!”.

Dash’s drawing started with small, faint circles, then exploded into a mono-chromatic swirl that engulfed the page. He says it’s, “Mommy, Daddy, Dash, Taye, Portsie, Lucy, Duncan, America.”

This is still a favorite topic.

I love how their drawings reflect their personalities, and the things that are on their minds. I love that my job allows me to work from home sometimes so that I don't have to miss this stuff.

I have been back at work for almost six weeks now. The first couple weeks were pretty hard emotionally for all of us but here we are, six weeks later, and I can honestly say that not only are we going to survive this change, but in spite of it we continue to grow happier and happier as a family. I attribute this to five things;

1) my amazing husband who has become an incredible stay-at-home dad

2) the fact that nothing could possibly be as tiring or as challenging as our first month home, so this pales in comparison

3) the fact that activity at work has been ramping up slowly, which means I have been able to work from home two or three days a week

4) my incredibly smart, beautiful, sweet sons who once again have adjusted amazingly well and

5) the fact that Mark has carried 100% of the house cleaning burden, leaving me to spend 100% of my non-work time with the boys. Did I mention that my husband is amazing?

Not sure how I got so lucky, but I am :-)

Wordless Wednesday

Four Months Home - Communication

Four months ago today I held my sons for the very first time. I am sure some day I will just be living it, but for now I continue to celebrate these monthly milestones because I continue to be amazed by how much progress our family makes in a month. So much change has occurred in the past four months that it feels like we have been together at least as long as we waited to meet. Time is a funny thing.

The biggest change over the past month has been our ability to communicate. The boys now know enough English for us to reason, reward, explain and discuss things that were completely out of reach a month ago. I am no longer reading about adoption related conversations, wondering when and how they will occur in our life, I am having them. We talk about how they lived in Ethiopia, and we talk about the people who still live there. We look at pictures of those people. They tell me stories about them. I tell them how much they still love them, even though we can’t see them anymore. We talk about how we got to America on a big airplane, each and every time we see one in the sky or in a book.

Outwardly my boys show little fear, but with language has come the ability to express fear. This has helped immensely. They no longer worry about their next meal, and then about whether I am going to poison them. They know when their next meal will be, and they eat everything, including veggies. Suddenly bedtime has become enjoyable. We read books, lots of books, and every night, as we lie in the dark snuggling, they say, “no woosah (wild animals), no buggy, no rain in America”. By that they mean none of those things will come into their beds and harm them while they sleep. This part amazes me, and tells me that their memories are long and strong. It has been a year since they lived in a place where woosah, bugs or rain would bother them while they slept.

There are little things too. Months ago, before communication was strong, I told the boys that they were “smart, beautiful and sweet”. Several weeks later, sitting in a crowded and noisy cafeteria at the zoo, one of the boys leaned over and said, “thmart, youful, fweet”. At first I didn’t know what he meant--it was so out of context--but then it dawned on me:

“Smart, beautiful and sweet?”

Head nod affirmative. Coy little smile.

“Yes, Honey! You are my smart, beautiful and sweet boy!”

Now they love to say it and hear it, many times a day.

We also talk about how we are a family, and the fact that no one is leaving. This topic came about one day when we were looking at a world map and talking about how we flew in a very cool airplane from Ethiopia to America. One of the boys took my face in his little hands and said:

“Mommy, this one yucky. Connecticut good.” He was so earnest and there was worry in his eyes.

“Sweetie, you are not going back to Ethiopia. You are going to stay with Mommy and Daddy forever.”

He gave me a big smile, wrapped his arms around my neck, and then he was over it and went off to play (while I went into time-out to choke back my tears). Now, in addition to “no woosah, no buggy, no rain” and “smart, beautiful and sweet”, they also like to say, “Mommy-Daddy-Dash-Taye, America, no leaving”.

I must say that I am surprised that we are having some of these conversations so soon, but I think it is a huge advantage of adopting older children, and words cannot express how lucky I feel to be having these conversations with my brave, resilient, smart, beautiful, sweet boys. I can't wait to hear what's in their amazing little heads this month...