Let's try this again...ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hope is a waking dream."

Aristotle

ONE

Two years ago this month, a tragic and defining event occurred in the boys’ young lives that ultimately led to their relinquishment.

One month after that event, in June of 2008, Mark and I began our journey toward them, a decision that will define and bless us the rest of our lives.

For so long, delays and unfortunate timing seemed to be the name of the game when it came to starting our family. The delays started long before we began our adoption, and our adoption process itself has not exactly been a smooth or expeditious one. Many times I have wondered why this one thing, the thing I want more than any other thing, has been so difficult to achieve.

One look at the boys was all it took for me to understand why.

I may not be their mother yet, but I feel deeply that I am meant to be. These two boys, born in my heart long ago, are meant to be my sons. Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe not. If not, at least we have come far enough to think that it will be soon.

That makes me feel like the luckiest person on earth.

Totally worth waiting for.

TWO

"The world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it."

Helen Keller

THREE

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

FOUR

"Children are the reward of life."

African Proverb

FIVE

Ok, ok, so maybe another countdown isn't the best idea.

But

Being thrown back into the land of indefinite waiting was...well, it was awful. I can't believe it was only a week ago. It was a long week.

And

Having a concrete date again, one that we actually think has the possiblity of being THE date...well, that's pretty darn exciting!

So

For the next five days, I choose to be optimistic! If we don't pass...well, at least I will have had five days of happy thoughts.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

New Court Date

GOOD NEWS: phone lines are back up.

EXPECTED NEWS: we did not pass court yesterday.

ENCOURAGING NEWS: they THINK the new ID was obtained yesterday. They don't have confirmation but they say she has it unless something crazy happened (and it seems with us, crazy happenings are certainly a possibility if not a given, so I say this with guarded hope).

GREAT NEWS: we have a new court date for next Wednesday.

Oh PLEASE let this be it! PLEASE let it only be SIX MORE DAYS!!!!!!

Court Date Countdown: One

I couldn't come up with an appropriate picture to depict this milestone. We don't do much in singular fashion around here, and the things that come to mind when I think of the number one today are things that cannot be photographed.


One dream

One wish

One hope

One prayer

One family

One day


I am surprisingly calm but completely at a loss for words, so here is one last poem. It is my favorite.


The Measure
Mary Oliver

I stopped the car and ran back and across the road
and picked up the box turtle, who only
hissed and withdrew herself into her pretty shell.
Well, goodness, it was early in the morning, not too much traffic.
Rather an adventure than a risk, and anyway
who wouldn't give aid to such a shy citizen?
Who wouldn't complete the journey for it, taking it of course
in the direction of its desire: a pinewoods
where, as I learned, the blueberries ripen early.
Probably she had thought, in the middle of the night - Ah, it's time.
Sometimes I think our own lives are watched over like that.
Out of the mystery of the hours and the days
something says - Let's give this one a little trial.
Let's, say, put a turtle in the road she's traveling on, and in a hurry.
Let's see how her life is measuring up, that lucky girl.
So much happiness, so much good fortune. Ah, it's time.

Court Date Countdown: Two

Two days. To quote one of my favorite wait list buddies on the eve of her court date, "it is taking some restraint not to write this entire post in capital letters and hyperbole".

Not only is it two more days until we know the outcome, but in less than 24 hours the review of our case begins (Ethiopia is seven hours ahead and there are two stages to the approval process).

It is also taking some restraint not to put a dozen exclaimation points at the end of every scentence.

For those who are interested in what's happening behind the scenes, here are some of the details. Remember all that paperwork we gathered back in the summer of 2008? Well, all that paperwork now lives in a file along with all the paperwork we waited for on the boys. Early tomorrow morning—probably while we are still asleep (if we sleep)—the Ethiopian Ministry of Women’s and Children’s Affairs (MOWA) conducts the first review of our file. We won’t hear news of how things go with this review until Friday unless there is a problem (maybe not even then). I'm taking the no news is good news approach tomorrow.

Then on Friday, if MOWA issues a favorable opinion on Thursday, our agency’s attorney—to whom we have signed over power of attorney—will appear in court on our behalf. The Judge will conduct another review of our paperwork and the boys’ birth family member must appear and officially relinquish custody. I wish I could be there to look this person in the eye and tell them how much the boys will be loved, and how grateful we are to be the ones who get to parent them.

We will find out how all this plays out on Friday afternoon, typically between the hours of 12 pm and 3 pm Eastern time. I will be working from home, battling the butterflies, probably jumping every time my phone rings. There are two possible outcomes, and the realist in me is holding those possibilities in equal measure. From what I can tell after watching others go through this process over the past two years, it really is probably a 50/50 chance that it will be the outcome we desire.

In the event that our court date is delayed, we will be given a new court date, and the countdown will resume.

In the event that our adoption is approved, we will be given a travel date (be still my heart), and I will book our flights to Ethiopia that day. Travel is typically 3-5 weeks after the adoption is finalized and it will coincide with our U.S. Embassy appointment in Addis Ababa. The time in between court and travel is needed in order to obtain the court decree, the children’s Ethiopian birth certificates and their Ethiopian passports, all of which we will need for our Embassy appointment.

Our agency is given appointments with the U.S. Embassy every other week, and a little bird told me that in May those appointments fall within the weeks of May 9th and May 23rd.

I don't have to tell you what I am praying for with all my might.

TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit."

Helen Keller

Court Date Countdown: Three (Holy Cow!)

when faces called flowers float out of the ground
ee cumings

when faces called flowers float out of the ground
and breathing is wishing and wishing is having-
but keeping is downward and doubting and never
-it's april(yes,april;my darling)it's spring!
yes the pretty birds frolic as spry as can fly
yes the little fish gambol as glad as can be
(yes the mountains are dancing together)

when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving-
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
-alive;we're alive,dear:it's(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing, the mountains)

when more than was lost has been found has been found
and having is giving and giving is living-
but keeping is darkness and winter and cringing
-it's spring(all our night becomes day)o,it's spring!
all the pretty birds dive to the heart of the sky
all the little fish climb through the mind of the sea
(all the mountains are dancing;are dancing)

Court Date Countdown: Four

Wild Geese
Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Court Date Countdown: Five

Numbers
Mary Cornish


I like the generosity of numbers.

The way, for example,

they are willing to count

anything or anyone:

two pickles, one door to the room,

eight dancers dressed as swans.



I like the domesticity of addition--

add two cups of milk and stir--

the sense of plenty: six plums

on the ground, three more

falling from the tree.



And multiplication's school

of fish times fish,

whose silver bodies breed

beneath the shadow

of a boat.



Even subtraction is never loss,

just addition somewhere else:

five sparrows take away two,

the two in someone else's

garden now.



There's an amplitude to long division,

as it opens Chinese take-out

box by paper box,

inside every folded cookie

a new fortune.



And I never fail to be surprised

by the gift of an odd remainder,

footloose at the end:

forty-seven divided by eleven equals four,

with three remaining.



Three boys beyond their mothers' call,

two Italians off to the sea,

one sock that isn't anywhere you look.

Court Date Countdown: Six

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Court Date Countdown: Seven

"We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Court Date Countdown: Eight

Eight days. In eight days all this worrying and waiting and wondering about when might finally be over.

It is hard to fathom.

Then again, it might not be over. The possibility of a delay, or multiple delays, is very real. Our agency doesn't give statistics on how many families pass court the first try, but they do tell us that “delays are not uncommon”.

So I am trying to keep my feet on the ground. Trying to balance the extreme elation and longing over the possiblity of what might happen, with the extreme dread of what might not happen. In spite of keeping busy, time is moving very slowly.

Hope you are enjoying the poems. Here's one I hope rings true in eight days.

EIGHT DAYS!

God Says Yes To Me
Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

Court Date Countdown: Nine

The Successful Life
Ralph Waldo Emerson (attributed)

To laugh often and love much. To win and hold the respect of intelligent persons, and the affection of little children; to earn the praise of honest critics and to endure, without flinching, the betrayal of false friends.

To appreciate beauty always, whether in earth's creations or men and women's handiwork; to have sought for and found the best in others and to have given it oneself.

To leave the world better than one found it, whether by nurturing a child or a garden patch, writing a cheery letter, or working to redeem some social condition.

To have played with enthusiasm, laughed with exuberance, and sung with exultation. To go down to dust and dreams knowing that the world is a little bit better, and that even a single life breathes easier because we have lived well, that is to have succeeded!

Court Date Countdown: Ten

love is a place
e e cummings

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skillfully curled)
all worlds

Court Date Countdown: Eleven

"Waiting is one of God's most powerful tools of grace. God doesn't just give us grace for the wait. The wait itself is a gift of grace. You see, waiting is not only about what you will receive at the end of the wait. Waiting is about what you will become as you wait." Paul David Tripp

Court Date Countdown: Twelve

The Layers
Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.

When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.

Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.

I am not done with my changes.

Court Date Countdown: Thirteen

The boys are 2 years and 7 months old today.

Praying

Mary Oliver

It doesn't have to be

the blue iris, it could be

weeds in a vacant lot, or a few

small stones; just

pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don't try

to make them elaborate, this isn't

a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which

another voice may speak.