Worst Case Scenario

So…a few days after I wrote this…where I pontificated about how calm, cool and collected I have been with this whole wait thing, I decided it might be fun to resurrect a game of blog tag (cause seriously, people, how much more can I write about this wait!). I was tagged last November so I scrolled down to that post and realized that some of the blogs I tagged back then were no longer familiar to me. “Hmmm...I wonder whatever happened to…”

BAM! Peaceful, calm, cool, collected Zen-like demeanor blown to smithereens!

One of the “worst case scenarios” that has been in the back of my mind lo these many months is the possibility of an unknown family ahead of us on the wait list, waiting for siblings. Remember the FBI list is unofficial and not all families put themselves on this list. Sibling referrals are so much harder to come by that having another family with the same preference as us could significantly impact our wait time...

Sure enough, what I discovered in my exploration of blog tag, was that my worst case scenario is true. There IS another family* out there. They are waiting for siblings. They are with Gladney. They went on the waitlist about three months ahead of us. They have been waiting 10 ½ months and counting…

Boo hoo! I wasn’t much fun to be around last Sunday. During the 14 months we have been on this journey I have struggled with the wait on two occasions. This would be number three. I made the discovery just before leaving for church and I sat numb throughout the service, and then poor Mark had to drag around a sad and mopey wife all afternoon. It is so much easier to be positive, calm, cool and collected when you think the call is coming when you thought it would come…but 3 months longer than expected…or more! Ack!

By Monday I felt a little better. I got a good night’s sleep. I went to the gym. I went to work. I picked fresh veggies from our garden and made a really nice salad…oh, the small things. I realized we wouldn’t be getting through court before the fall anyway so maybe it wasn’t so terrible to have to wait a few extra months. I got some much needed support from a few friends, including my sweet waitlist buddy, Beka. I thought about our local friends who got their referral last August and only just recently received a court date (8/14, say prayers). I thought about how gracefully Monique has weathered a year of bad news and what an amazing example of strength she has been for many of us. I thought I should snap out of it and be more like Monique.

By Tuesday I was feeling strong but the curiosity was killing me. I had to know what I was dealing with. So I contacted this other family and she kindly obliged. They are requesting “a baby girl as young as possible with an older brother 2 ½ to 6 years old”. I decided that this is good news, that their preference is really quite specific and leaves many possibilities open for us. Twins, for example! Or a baby boy with an older sister! Or two boys or two girls!

So here we are, not even a week later, and I am back in the lotus position. I am feeling positive and hopeful and excited, not a trace of last Sunday’s gloom. I am rooting for this other family, on the edge of my seat waiting to hear their good news. I expect that we will sit at the top of the FBI for a while longer but I hope that it won’t be more than another month…or two…ok maybe three…

Ah, the rollercoaster ride of International Adoption. Ups and downs and all, it is still rewarding in indescribable ways and worth every tummy turning bump.

* For any of you sleuths out there (takes one to know one!)...I have deleted the link to this other family’s blog from my November post. I figure if they have not placed themselves on the FBI list, then it is not my place to take them public.

The Power of Negative Thinking

Several months ago I saw a link on someone’s blog (sorry, can't remember who, so if it was you, thanks) to an Oprah Winfrey article entitled The Power of Negative Thinking. You can read the article here but the gist of it is this:

"Defensive pessimism is a strategy used in specific situations to manage anxiety, fear, and worry," says Norem, who has conducted seminal research on the subject. "Defensive pessimists," she says, "prepare for a situation by setting low expectations for themselves, then follow up with a very detailed assessment of everything that may go wrong." Once they've imagined the full range of bad outcomes, they start figuring out how they'll handle them, and that gives them a sense of control.

Hello! That’s me, alright! I have even built my career on the back of this strategy and during the long adoption process it has been my saving grace. This is not to say that I am negative or pessimistic, it just means that I try to think through all the things that could go wrong in order to either a) avoid them or b) mentally prepare for them. In my opinion, that sure beats being disappointed or caught unprepared, and once I have thought through all these scenarios I feel calmer, more in control, and can then turn my attention to more positive thoughts.

On the adoption front this means that months ago I tried to mentally prepare myself for all the scary things that could happen. Increasing wait times…sitting at the top of the FBI for months without a referral…not getting through before the rainy season… new requirements delaying our process…the children not warming to us right away...or warming to Mark and crying at me (haha, not an unlikely scenario!)…the emotions I will feel when I meet the birth family (if I am so lucky) and the caregivers...a 20 hour plane ride with two small children...and the list goes on and on into having them home and parenthood and beyond. I have researched, mostly by way of blogs and books, and I have thought through how I would feel in as many scenarios as possible. Then I back burnered all the worst case stuff and turned my attention to all the BEST CASE scenarios, which have been fodder for my dreams for many months now. Maybe that makes me a defensive-pessimistic-optimist?

Whatever you want to call it, it seems to be working for me and I feel surprisingly calm up here at the top of the FBI list. I really thought I would be a Basket Case at this stage but no, Cool Cucumber here, and I think it has something to do with this Defensive-Pessimism stuff. Wait times have increased since we started our journey…we are going to get our referral without enough time to get through court before the rainy season…we may sit at the top of the unofficial list and watch families who came on after us get their referral before us. I hope not all my worst case scenarios come true but I am ready for them and I am also ready for all the best case scenarios (come on, best case!). No matter what occurs in the next few days, weeks or months, something beautiful IS about to happen and the years ahead of us are going to be the best case scenario of all!

Peace-out :-)

Illustration by Jorge Columbo

Not The Call...Yet *UPDATED - read the last scentence*

For as long as Mark and I have known each other I have been in the habit of calling him at work during the day. We only talk for a minute or two and usually I have no good reason to be calling. Sometimes it’s just because I am on a long drive to or from a customer and dying of boredom. Most of the time it’s just because I like hearing his voice and connecting during the day, however briefly.

For as long as I have been making these calls Mark has been answering them with either a “what’s wrong” or an “I am busy - make this quick” tone of voice. Mark is protective, and Mark likes to focus on work when he is at work. Mark has no privacy for chit chat with the wife. I don't mind. I still like hearing his voice, and in spite of his tone, I know he likes hearing mine.

Lately, however, Mark has sounded exceedingly happy to hear from me when he answers my calls. I thought maybe we were turning a corner with our work day chats until I noticed that, once he learns I am calling for no good reason, his tone returns to normal. I put two and two together and realized that the new tone was because, every time I call, he thinks I am calling with news about THE call. Poor dear sweet excited husband!

I told someone this story and they confessed that for months they too have thought I was calling with news every time I called just to say hi. So, from now on, whenever I call for idle chit-chat I will start the conversation by saying, “Hi-It's-Me-It's-Not-THE-Call” right off the bat, so you can take your hearts out of your throats and put them back in your chests where they belong.

That is of course until it IS the call, and then I might be too giddy to say anything and you will have to say, “Did you get the call?”and then decipher my squeaks and giggles as an affirmative!

Did I mention that we are number THREE on the unofficial list?

Support the Families for Orphans Act

Please support this petition. It was written by the Joint Council.

Click HERE to sign.

Thanks!


Background (Preamble):
UNICEF estimates that there are 143 million orphans in the world today. Research such as the Bucharest Early Intervention Study conducted by respected researchers at Harvard University, Maryland University, and other universities has shown that keeping an orphaned child in a permanent and loving family is the best way to ensure that they have love, attention, and care needed to survive, and better yet, to thrive.

Although the U.S. Government has programs related to vulnerable children, very little of the focus and funding is going toward finding permanent families for children in need of parental care.

Developing countries where millions of orphans live lack the resources and expertise necessary to develop sound systems to provide for the care of the rising number of children living outside of permanent parental care.

Petition:
We, the undersigned, request that the U.S. Congress pass the Families for Orphans Act, which would provide a diplomatic authority, with technical and coordinating capacity to keep children in their birth families whenever possible and move orphans and other children without parental care into permanent families (either through kinship care, domestic adoption, or intercountry adoption).

Very little of current U.S. funding and focus is dedicated towards finding permanent families for children in need of parental care. Developing countries lack the resources and expertise necessary to establish sound systems to provide for the care of the rising number of children living outside of a permanent family environment.

We support the Families for Orphans Act which is designed to overcome these barriers by establishing the Office of Orphan Policy, Development and Diplomacy, a specialized office within the U.S. Department of State.

This new office would be responsible for developing and implementing a comprehensive, evidence-based strategy to support the preservation of families and the provision of permanent families for orphans. We urge the members of the U.S. Congress to pass the Families for Orphans Act.

Small World / Seven Months

Last weekend I attended a cookout at our next door neighbors’ house. I got into a conversation with another neighborhood couple about our local school system (a topic I have recently become very interested in for obvious reasons - they had good things to report). I mentioned our adoption plans and it turns out that his cousin adopted from Ethiopia last year, through Gladney, and this cousin (who is a film maker) recently returned to Ethiopia and created a video of the Gladney Care Center! As soon as he told me that I knew exactly who he was. Gladney sent us links to his video a couple months ago and I meant to put them on the blog but never got around to it. Here they are below. If you watch closely you will see this little cutie, who is the son of some local friends.

Those Left Behind - Video #1

Those Left Behind - Video #2

What an incredibly small world!

Oh, and Saturday marks seven months on the wait list! Average wait time is still reported to be 8 months...stay tuned!