Looking Backward and Moving Forward

Mama! This may be my first ride in a NYC taxi, but I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL!

When we were waiting to bring our boys home we became friends with several families who had already adopted children. Many of those families told us "the first year is hard."

Now that we are into our second year as a family I can see the truth in that simple statement. We felt lucky with our transition in so many ways right from the beginning, and noted significant progress each month, but looking back I can say that our first year together really was hard. Behind closed doors Mark and I marvel at it and say, "Remember last year?!" The boys say it too. They say, "Remember when I was scared of (that person, that animal, that place) last year?!" Adopting older children is undoubtedly harder in some ways but it is also such an amazing gift. Their early memories are just one of those gifts.

The only thing that renders silence in this family
is shiro and injera!

For those who haven't been following, we arrived home with the boys June 1st last year. Everything from the weather to the food to our activities this summer reminded us of our first and most challenging months as a family. These shared memories and the traditions we have forged over the year seem to anchor us in some way now. Places, the smell of the air, even the way the light falls in their room all feel familiar now. Physically I no longer have a constant pit of worry in my stomach. The boys are no longer on high alert and no longer wonder what it means to be a family. If they are scared--or hurt or tired or sad--they tell me, instead of slipping into controlling behaviors or snuggling into the lap of another adult (phew--that one was so hard for us as new parents).

One of the boys (that little cutie to the left) was so shy last year that he barely spoke until October. Now he rarely stops speaking! Tonight at dinner he told me a long, complex story about dinosaurs and pirates and what they did and where they went on their adventures. He was slow to trust us and his affections came from a different place last year. Now he is truly loving, outgoing but not falsely charming, and we have seen real steps toward his attachment being secure.

The other child was always on best behavior last year. He was sweet and loving and cooperative almost all of the time. This summer, once they started summer school, he tried on a number of not-so-perfect behaviors in imitation of a new classmate. When the reprimand came his eyes would turn down at the corners and he would say, "You don't love me???????" We reminded him again and again that we love him no matter what (but that we don't love that behavior!). With a lot of patience, reassurance and the resurrection of the "sticker chart" (Oh how I love you sticker chart! Your concrete boundaries and rewards work so well for my little ones!) the new testing behaviors seem to have faded away recently. More steps on the journey to secure attachment I hope...

How can you be afraid of a NYC taxi on the lap of a Dad like that?

My smart, beautiful, sweet boys...your resiliency amazes me.

Taye, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mom and Daaaaaaad!!!!!!!"         Dash, "Taye! Be cool, Brother!!!!!!"

With the advent of memories as a family, the boys seem to have forgotten most of their life before us. We still look at pictures and their lifebooks together but they used to tell me things about the people and places in those pictures. About three months ago, coinciding with the time we arrived in America, they started asking me questions about their past as if they had forgotten it all. I know this is probably normal but it surprised me given how strong their memories of Ethiopia were six months ago.

They do remember some things. One of the earliest pictures we have of the boys was taken the week they arrived at Gladney. It is a difficult picture to look at because they are so small and thin and sad--it doesn't even look like them until you look closely at their eyes. However difficult this picture is to look at, it is an important piece of their history and I do not hide it from them. The other day it was sitting on the shelf above their dresser, which I still put them on to lotion their hair and skin in the morning. One of the boys picked it up and started looking at it intently. I gave him a minute and then asked if he knew who those boys were.

"Yes. Dash and Taye."
"Do you remember where that was taken?"
"Yes, Effeopia."
"What else do you remember, Sweetie?"
"Dash and Taye needed a mommy...."

Gulp. I thought for certain Mark must have said that to them at some point but he says no and no one else has seen that picture other than the person who took it.

Dash, "I cannot believe I am standing in front of a T-Rex!"    Mark, "Please take the picture. This kid is really heavy!"

My smart, beautiful, sweet boys...your courage astounds me.

Dash, "This horse is ok but I reaaaaaly like these girls!"

There is so much more I want to say about the last few months but in the interest of actually publishing this post I will refrain. I have started to write but failed to finish six posts over the last two months! There are the obvious reasons. Work has been extremely busy. I try to focus all my time outside of work on the boys and over the summer that time was spent outdoors at the pool, or the zoo, or gardening or some other activity that was unconducive to blogging. 

There are also other reasons. Big things have been happening in the Horn of Africa with drought and famine. Big things have been happening in Ethiopia with families and children suffering, the future of adoptions uncertain and the closing of orphanages, including the one our boys were at (not Gladney, the government orphanage they spent a week at). There are big things happening within our own extended family not to mention what's happening in our country. It feels awkward posting happy-go-lucky updates on the adventures of Dash and Taye in light of these things and it makes me wish I was a better writer.

I have also spent some of my alone time--you know, the couple hours after the boys go to sleep when I should be at the gym--sitting on my neighbor's front stoop cherishing new friends. Yes, they are my neighbors and no, I did not really know them until recently. This probably sounds odd to some of you but as a childless, city dwelling, professional my social life always revolved around coworkers or going out to dinner with Mark or friends. I am so grateful to have this wonderful group of women (and men too, but it's the women who nourish me) steps from my front door. 

And ok, here I go rambling and getting into other topics when I really just want to POST SOMETHING...

Is anyone even still reading?! LOL

Dinos Rule!