"The Weight of the Wait" by Julie Corby

Have you guys read this yet? The Weight of the Wait...so aptly put and a phrase that I can't get out of my head lately.

I will admit, the first time I read this article it scared the hell out of me. At the time I was overwhelmingly excited and undeniably optimistic about our journey. To think otherwise felt like it could jinx us, and I just didn't want to ruin my excitedly optimistic state with too much reality.

Everyone has their own way of coping with challenges, and sometimes optimism is the life raft that keeps me afloat.

The scariest point in Julie's article was the fact that they had been given a 6-9 month estimate and had been waiting 16 months and counting when she wrote this article back in April. We were given a 4-6 month estimate but I am no dummy and I had done my research, so I was pretty sure that those times were going to increase. That said, that doesn't mean I wanted to believe it or read about someone who was living it.

As of today we have been waiting 15 months and 3 weeks. Of course that's counting from our first agency meeting, not from when we made it on the wait list, but it's not counting all the years of wanting to start a family and not being able to, so I think that's a fair number.

As we approach 16 months ourselves, what I now know is that waiting this long is both easier and harder than I imagined. Easier because I am stronger and more patient and have more faith in God than I knew. I am still filled with hope and tremendously excited and, yes, optimistic. I have learned a lot about myself, I have grown, and I have found this wait to be rewarding in other unexpected ways. But there are times when I feel tired of all this waiting and times when it feels like this is never going to happen. And lately I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve. Every day, Christmas Eve. And that kind of anticipation definitely has a weight to it.

What helps me carry that weight is the support I get from all of you - friends, family and the open, honest expressions and comments of my fellow adoptive parents. Every comment on my blog boosts me up a little, so I keep writing. And, yes, like Julie, I spend a fair amount of time blog stalking and watching home coming videos with a box of Kleenex. I take great pleasure in living vicariously and celebrating the happy milestones of others.

Mark is coping by completely loosing himself in the land of chores. How can I complain about that, right? But it is lonely when two people cope in different directions so once a week I drag myself away from the computer/blackberry/books on attachment and bonding, and I pry the paint brush or tool out of his hand, and we go to our favorite restaurant to eat oysters and hold hands and talk.

I am also going to the gym, trying to strengthen my body so that I will be able to carry the actual weight of my children. And I am grateful that work is extremely busy right now. It forces me to stay focused...most of the time...except the occasional blog stalking from my Blackberry in the middle of a boring meeting to see if so-n-so got their referral!

Deep breaths and a seventh inning stretch. I am ready for another week and all its possibilities!

Oh, and if you don't know already, Julie is finally home with her two children :) Happy endings do happen...