Just Let Go

Not sure if I’ve said this before, but I am at peace with this wait (really, I am...at least lately and for now...). Perhaps it’s because we are getting closer. More likely it’s because we know that there is still a long way to go and things are completely out of our control. More importantly, I think it's because everything about this feels right, and I trust that feeling.

Those who know me, know that I have a more than average tendency to enjoy being in control…maybe not to the point of being a control freak but…well…ok, maybe a bit of a control freak! The fact is, though, that when something is so completely outside my control, I do find myself being able to let go and just go with the flow. My friend Ellie wrote about this a lot when they were still waiting for their referral. She wrote about Surrender and quoted the perfect line from one of our favorite movies, Finding Nemo, on her blog a couple months ago. Ellie wrote:

I love the movie “Finding Nemo” when Marlin (Nemo’s dad) and Dory are in the whale’s mouth and they’re about to be swallowed. Dory is speaking ‘whale’ and translates for Marlin. “The whale says, it’s time to let go…everything’s gonna be alright.” Marlin “How do you know?? How do you know something BAD isn’t gonna happen” Pause…Dory “I don’t!” And of course…they let go and ARE swallowed by the whale but then are immediately blown to freedom through the whale’s blow hole and find themselves in Sydney Harbor!!! Exactly where they wanted to be!!! So, yes, I’m taking advice from a fish. “Just Let Go”.

Dory realized that the only way was to "surrender and hope for the best." Marlin was amazed that this approach to life worked! His task, to find his son, seemed so difficult that he figured his only chance was to carefully calculate every moment and every detail. Then, through the kindness of a stranger and the loyalty of someone he had only just met, he found his son. What a fitting analogy!

So, I too, am taking advice from a fish, a cartoon fish, and advice from a friend that I am so grateful to have found. I am surrendering to the process, to Gladney, to the timing of God, the universe, nature, the forces of luck and destiny, and I am hoping for the best. I know in my heart that this approach will work!

The Window

OK, I know this is a picture of a door, but door, window, same idea. The point is, as of tomorrow, we will have completed four months on the wait list and that puts us...finally, unofficially, dare I say it...that puts us in the window of time when we could get the call!

This family, who went on the wait list the day after us, got their referral for an 18 month old boy earlier this week. Further evidence that we have entered the window...

Now of course, one must remember, it is a very large window. We could get the call next week (unlikely) or we could get the call 4 months from now (more likely) or we could get the call even later than that (sigh). The realist in me, the part of me that wants to protect my heart and manage my own expectations says, “Don’t go there yet, Heidi.” Don’t get all excited and start hoping that the call will come soon. Don’t forget that you were the one who decided to wait it out for siblings. Don’t forget what Belay told you about how difficult it is to be matched with siblings…

OK, I know all that, but I don’t care! I can’t help it! We are in the window, and that, my friends, is EXCITING!

Lunch with Belay

Last weekend we had the pleasure of having lunch with Belay Tafesse, the head of Gladney's program in Ethiopia. We did something similar last September before we were even on the wait list and it felt really great to be 6 months further into the process this time. This is where we met several local families and we were able to see some of those families again and meet a few new ones.

I was hoping to get a read on our situation at the lunch...hoping for a glimmer of recognition or some sort of sign that we had been matched! Of course they can't give away any information and, on the contrary, Belay explained how difficult it is to be matched with a young sibling pair. Apparently many of the children that come into their care are relinquished as infants, and it is less likely that a mother would relinquish two children after caring for them for a while. Twins are also a rarity. He thinks that more likely our situation will be one where both of the parents are deceased. Whatever the situation, it will be a sad one and our hearts and prayers go out to the birth family and, of course, to our children.

Still, we remain optimistic. To Belay's point, there are no time estimates given for families waiting for siblings because the timing is so unpredictable. But the latest trends show that families who are waiting for children older than 12 months are getting the call after 4 months (we are at 3 months, 3 weeks and 1 day!), and families waiting for children under 12 months are getting the call after about 8 months. We could fall anywhere within or beyond that range but even though our call might still be months away, we have started enjoying the occasional (alright, maybe more than occasional!) day dream about where we might be and what we might say when the call does come. Last Friday I was driving over the Tappenzee Bridge and out of the blue I thought, "what would I do if I got the call now?!". It was so exciting to think about and it felt so much more real than before. Mark confessed at dinner that he has been having the same kind of thoughts so, if nothing else, we are certainly starting to feel it!

Here is a clip of an interview with Belay Tafesse if you are interested.

"You don't have to be tall to see the moon." ~African Proverb

Haregewoin Teferra

I just learned some very sad news. A woman named Haregewoin Teferra has died of natural causes at her home in Addis Ababa. Haregewoin was a woman whose courage, generosity and tireless dedication helped hundreds of AIDS orphans in Ethiopia. I first learned of her through the book There Is No Me Without You by Melissa Faye Green, which tells the story of her life and how she came to found the Atetegeb Worku Memorial Orphans Support Association. She has been foster mother to hundreds of children and today houses about 40 orphans, half of whom are HIV positive. Mrs. Haregewoin received no government help to care for these children.

Haregewoin’s life story is moving, heart wrenching, and deeply inspiring. I read “There Is No Me Without You” last summer when we were just starting our journey. I could not put it down, cried through most of it and wanted to read it again as soon as I was finished! I highly recommend it to anyone connected with Ethiopian adoption, anyone wondering “why Ethiopia” or just interested in learning more about the AIDS orphan epidemic in Africa.

God Bless you, Haregewoin. Your life was a life worth living and you will not be forgotten. May you rest in peace.

Keep 'em Coming!

The Gladney referrals came pouring in again this week. In the entire month of February only 4 referrals went to people on the FBI list (see my post on Jan 20, 2009 if you want to know what that is…it has nothing to do with the actual Federal Bureau of Investigation!). So far this month there have already been 9 referrals. This feels like break-neck speed compared to last month. It makes the wait so much more bearable when people around you are getting good news all the time. Keep 'em coming Gladney!

We are about middle of the pack now on the FBI list, inching our way up slowly. Feels like we will never get to the top but we will, we know we will. The only family ahead of us who were holding out for siblings got their referral last week - sisters ages 9 months and 5 years. So exciting! So happy for them! They went on the wait list exactly 1 month ahead of us. They waited only 4 months, jumping ahead of several families waiting for infants. We do not expect the same good fortune. Our age range (up to 30 months) is in far higher demand, much harder to match, and we must remember that most families are waiting a full 8 months or more…but still, I am cautiously optimistic. I am a little giddy with hope. We are definitely getting closer!

Three Months Down...

It has been three months since we went on the wait list - half way to Gladney's average wait time! After months of seemingly endless speed bumps, there was some encouraging news from our fellow adoptive parents this week. For one, our friends who received their referral two weeks ago received their court date ALREADY! And their court date is in APRIL! That is astonishingly fast and way outside the average wait. We are so happy for them and having such fun celebrating this great news!

Referrals also seem to be chugging along nicely at 2 per week. A family who went on the wait list a month before us got their referral this week for a 2 1/2 year old! Referrals for toddlers are happening quickly, as one would expect with so many people wanting babies. It's hard to know how long we will wait for our young sibling pair because there aren't many families who hold out for two. The last family with a similar profile waited 8 months, and they tell us that the family before them also waited 8 months, so we think we still have quite a way to go. Still, it's nice to see people who went on the wait list around the time we did get their referral! It's exciting to know that we are getting closer!

What Happened to February?!

I had no intention of going the entire month of February without a single blog entry but here we are in March already! February was a busy month for us. I had a birthday (don't ask, I'm not telling ;-), we celebrated Valentine's Day at our new favorite tapas restaurant and my mother got married. Congrats Mom and Tom! We are thrilled that you finally made it official!

We made it to dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant with a few of our new Ethiopia Adoption friends (someone took pictures but I don't have them yet...). We also tore down the wallpaper in the guest room and started putting up bead board and molding (well...Mark did anyway). The wallpaper doesn't look that bad in these pictures but trust me, it was bad. It was made of VINYL!!! Of course, no offence meant to those who love vinyl but it's just not for us!

BEFORE... IN TRANSITION...

Stay tuned for the AFTER pictures...until then imagine clean white bead board to chair rail height, a fresh coat of blue gray paint and some sort of new window treatment and light fixture. This room is going to become the office and the office, which is the larger of the two rooms, is going to become the kid's room (that transformation is next). Don't worry, we still have the guest bed and plan to set it up again so people can come visit until the babies get here to claim their turf!

I also finished a few knitting projects including a pair of socks for Mark, some little jackets and sweaters for the babies, and three teddy bears. I have come a long way since those hats back in November if I do say so myself!

GREY JACKET... Still need to sew on the mother of pearl buttons and "block" it so that the edges lie flat...but you get the idea.

THE THREE BEARS...No, this does not mean that we are planning for three children! I simply had extra yarn to make a third bear!

GREEN JACKET...

Another little jacket. I'm really into the jackets right now and have done four of them. I know, I am incapable of doing just one of anything!

Last Saturday night we had the honor of being among the first to celebrate the referral of a beautiful, 6 month old baby girl with this family: http://lovegrowsourfamily.blogspot.com/. I wish we could post her pictures so you all could see how beautiful she is (for those who don't know, the Ethiopian government does not allow posting pictures or names of the children on the Internet until the adoption is finalized). I can't tell you how great it is for us to know people who are also going through this process. It really helps us prepare for the road ahead, and sharing in the joys and milestones of others makes our wait less noticeable.

So what about the babies, you ask? Our agency, Gladney, has started hosting monthly conference calls to keep families informed. The great thing about that is the fact that Gladney is being so proactive about communicating. The perhaps not-so-great thing about it is the fact that there are enough changes that they need to be great at communicating. That said, we did know that change and bumps were inevitable in this process so we are just happy that we aren't being kept in the dark. In a nut shell, here's what's happening...

Adoptions from Ethiopia are becoming wildly popular, not only in this country but also in Europe. I think they said the number of adoptions has tripled over the past year but the government agencies that support the adoption process in Ethiopia have not been able to triple their staff to match this growth. There have also been new laws put in place to help protect the children and prevent child trafficking. This is a good thing in spite of the increased red tape that families and agencies have to wade through. As you can imagine, all these things combine to slow the pace at which adoptions are being completed. We already knew wait times were increasing from watching our friends, but Gladney has now officially announced that increase. There are essentially two stages of the wait and both are long enough to warrant talking about them separately:

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  The first wait is the time from when you get on the wait list (for us that was Dec 11, 2008) to getting your referral (that's what it is called when they tell you who you have been matched with). Until recently that wait was estimated at 4 - 6 months. Gladney is now giving an average instead of a range, and that average is 6.5 months with some families waiting less time and some families waiting as long as 8 months. Our friends mentioned above, as well as our friends who received their referral back in November, all waited 8 months.
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  The second part of the wait is the time from when you receive your referral to when you go to court to legally adopt your child or children. That time used to be 1 - 3 months, now they are saying it is an average of 4 to 6 months, and then another month on top of that to travel if you pass court.

So, this means that if all goes well we should learn who our children are some time between June and September, and we should have them home sometime in the fall or winter. Of course this is a guesstimate based on current trends and things could change again for the better or for the worse.

I know this all must sound like torture to some of you - and, ok, occasionally it is - but mostly we are at peace with it. What better way to practice patience and prepare for parenthood than this?! And we really, truly know in our hearts that this is the way we are meant to build our family and we think it is worth waiting for. Some day we are going to look back at all of this and try to remember why one measly year felt like such an eternity!

The Age of Turbulence

Former Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan, released a memoir back in 2007 called “The Age of Turbulence”. Much can be, and is being, said about Alan Greenspan’s contribution to the current economic conditions, but this is not a blog about economics. I only mention it because it is such a fitting name for these times. Certainly all of us are dealing with turbulence in some form or another, whether it be job security, retirement savings, investments, international adoption…the list goes on.

Job security, or the lack thereof, is definitely unnerving in the midst of becoming a new parent! Sometimes I wonder, if we were deciding to start our family today, would we choose to hold off until the country’s economic outlook shined a little brighter? Would we decide to take the less costly route and try to have one of our own, or adopt just one child? I don’t think so, but I do occasionally wonder, and I am glad we are already half way down this path. Our children's need for a family, and our own desire to parent, cannot be asked to wait for easier times.

Gratefully, it appears that we are in a good position to weather this down turn. Mark’s company is one of the few that are doing well. The head of the corporation that I work for announced today that they think they “have the right numbers” to get us through this down turn. Numbers means people. Hundreds of people have already been laid off, but it doesn't look like there are going to be any more layoffs for now. We are fortunate that it was only hundreds and not thousands like most companies our size.

Our agency, Gladney, reported yesterday that they too are solid and will survive this tough time. They even acquired a couple other agencies who were not doing well, in the process preventing hundreds of families from loosing the money they had already invested in their adoptions. I had no idea things were going to get this tough, but I did look at Gladney’s financial statements when choosing an agency and I cannot say enough about how important it is to do that research.

Today I breathe a sigh of relief - for our employers, for our agency, for ourselves - and pray for those who are less fortunate.

A Dream Come True

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." ~Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963

It was not very long ago that the equality envisioned by the Declaration of Independence was far from a reality. Today is an incredible day in history! Whether you support President Elect Obama’s policies or not, you must acknowledge what a good thing it is that our children will never know a world where they cannot aspire to their highest callings because of the color of their skin!

We have no updates, nor will we for several months, but we have been living vicariously through friends so I can share a few of their updates.

A little boy came home to CT from Ethiopia just last week. He is a healthy 23lbs and 30inches and his parents report that by the way he eats, is on his way to being a candidate for the football team. He is extremely happy and affectionate and didn't even mind the 30 hour trip home…oh to be so lucky! We met the parents at the Gladney dinner back in August and they had already recently received their referral, so it took about 5 – 6 months from the time they found out about their child to the time they were able to bring him home. I think that part of the wait is going to be the hardest part of the process for me!

Our friends who received their referral of siblings back in November received the difficult news last week that it will take several months for them to get a court date (you must pass court in Ethiopia before the children are legally yours). There is a new document for relinquished children that Ethiopia started requiring in October and apparently the office that produces that document is extremely backed up. On the one hand, it is understandable that rules and regulations are put in place to prevent the inevitable corruption that surrounds international adoption, but on the other hand it is very difficult to know that two small children will be kept waiting for the love of their new family. Our hearts go out to this family and we are praying that something turns around for them soon. We are also very much hoping and praying that this hold up is a fluke and not a trend…

We have another set of friends who are third from the top of an unofficial wait list. Our agency does not publish these details because referrals don’t always come in exact chronological order, but one of the mothers who adopted from our agency last year started maintaining this list and so far it is pretty accurate, and a huge help when you just want to see where you stand! She calls it the FBI List, which stands for “Forensic Blogging Initiative”. So being third from the top, we think that our friends might get their call this week or next!!!

If you want to check out the FBI list click the link below. We are 7th from the bottom on the wait list tab!

http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=ppHBvDAxQ8m6D9u0lLFvNIA&gid=0

Off now to watch our first black president get sworn in!

Christmas in Ethiopia

Today officially marks our completion of one month on the wait list! We hope that the remaining months fly by as quickly as this one did.

Wishing a happy New Year to everyone and hoping that you are surviving the transition back into a normal work week after that blissful two weeks of holidays. We had a wonderful time up north with family for a few days and then with friends back in CT on New Year’s Eve, and only wish it all could have lasted a little bit longer.

Because Ethiopia is still on the ancient Julian calendar, Christmas falls on January 7th, so that means our future children, if they are even born yet, celebrated Christmas just yesterday! Apparently Christmas is not the primary religious and secular festival that it has become in Western countries. It is also not an occasion for giving gifts and if children receive anything it is typically a small gift of clothing. Ethiopians call Christmas Gana and their tradition includes fasting the day before and then attending mass at 4 AM on Christmas morning. Churches are built in three concentric circles and the choir assembles in the outer circle, the congregation in the second circle with the priest serving communion in the center circle, which is considered the holiest space in the church. Upon entering the church each person is given a candle and the congregation walks around the church three times in a solemn procession, holding the flickering candles. The men and boys separate from the women and girls and the congregation stands for the entire mass, which can last three hours!

Other Gana traditions include the wearing of a traditional shamma, which is a thin, white cotton wrap with brightly colored stripes across the ends that is worn like a toga. Men and boys play a game that is also called ganna, which is somewhat like hockey, played with a curved stick and a round wooden ball. Foods enjoyed during the Christmas season include wat, which is a thick, spicy stew of meat, vegetables, and sometimes eggs. The wat is served from a beautifully decorated watertight basket onto a "plate" of injera, which is flat sourdough bread. Pieces of injera are used as edible spoons to scoop up the wat.

Happy Gana, Babies! We hope you are home to celebrate it with us next year!