It finally happened. I am wide awake at some absurd hour and the boys are not. Blogging with more than a few sentences has been difficult lately so instead of lying in bed, wondering when they are going to wake up, I will attempt to write something intelligible.
As the rainy season draws to an end, I know many of you are preparing to travel to Addis to meet your children (hooray!). Here are some notes on our experience that might be helpful, especially if you are traveling to bring home a toddler or two.
What to Pack:
For one week in country I packed 10 outfits and 5 pairs of pj’s per child. Since our guest house did laundry daily, this was overkill. I probably could have gotten by with half that. If you don’t have access to laundry you will need at least one set of cloths and pj’s per day in country plus a few extras for days when a change of clothing is warranted.
I based their size on the weight/height measurements sent by our agency and then went up a size for most things. It turned out to be perfect and eventhough they were swimming in that size at the beginning of the summer, they had outgrown it by the end of the summer. Basically they have gone from a 2T to a 4T in four months. I am amazed at how quickly they are growing.
In spite of the fact that our referral paperwork six months prior indicated that the boys were potty trained, they were not. They knew what a potty was and how to use it, but this did not mean that they knew WHEN to use it. The paperwork we received a few days prior to travel stated that fact correctly so I brought 7 diapers per child per day in country. We didn’t use them all, but I was glad to have the back up. You can also buy diapers in country but if you do, make sure you save some of your own for the plane ride home.
We packed one little backpack full of toys for each child. This too was more than we needed. Back then the boys had very little attention span and little exposure to traditional toys. What they really wanted to play with were cell phones, car keys, and anything and everything that had buttons. If we were to do it again I would bring toy cell phones and keys, washable crayons, chunky legos and maybe something that makes music
like this--they LOVE music. You could also just borrow bowls or pots and pans from the guest house, fill with water, and let them play in the yard. I think our boys would have been perfectly happy with that solution.
Several people have asked me which baby carrier we have. The answer is LilleBaby Everywhere Carrier and I love it (and still carry my 34lb children around in it). If you Google “LilleBaby Everywhere Carrier Reviews” you will see why. I would recommend this for families adopting infants too. I hear that the Ergo Baby Carrier is also good for older children but I haven’t tried it.
What to Expect:
Every child is different, and most of you aren’t adopting TWO ALMOST THREE YEAR OLD BOYS (if you are, call me) so our experience is probably on the extreme end of the spectrum, but I do think that the older kids and even some of the younger ones come home with similar eating, sleeping, bonding and discipline challenges. You can read a little about our experience
here. I can also tell you that
this book and
this book and
this book have taken up permanent residence on my night stand.
Also, if you are a Gladney family and have not spoken to a post placement social worker yet, I recommend doing so. This part of their post placement program was new when we traveled so we didn’t speak to anyone until just this past week, when the dust finally settled and I reached out to get some advice on how we’re doing. All of the topics the social worker asked me about were things that were very challenging for us back in June and July. I think it would have been helpful to have that “what to expect” conversation before we traveled and again in June.
If You Have Pets:
Again, this may not be an issue for everyone, but initially we had some big challenges integrating our children and our dogs. The problem was that the boys were terrified of animals. Any time they saw one they would scream and cry at the top of their lungs. I had read of this challenge on other people’s blogs and tried to do a few things to ease our own transition such as:
1) While we waited for a court date I sent over several packages that included pictures of us, the dogs, and us holding the dogs.
2) I made a photo album of pictures of the dogs to show them when we were in Ethiopia.
3) I made videos of us interacting with the dogs to show them while we were in Ethiopia.
None of it helped a bit.
We ended up keeping them separated for about 10 days, with short periods were we worked on conquering their fears. At first we would just look at the dogs through glass doors. When they were ok with that we moved on to playing outside with the dogs at the other end of the yard. When they were ok with that we moved on to being in the same room and feeding them a treat. It was baby steps each day and after 10 days the screaming stopped altogether. Here are a few things that I think helped us over those 10 days:
1) We learned the phrases "he won't hurt you" and "be gentle" in Amharic from the book "Amharic for Adoptive Families". Haven’t had to say it in so long now that I’ve forgotten how to!
2) We had some neighborhood kids come by and play with the dogs a few times so the boys could see other children interact with them and realize that they weren’t going to be mauled to death.
3) The boys weren't interested in the photos and videos of the dogs while we were in Ethiopia but they were very interested AFTER they had met the dogs.
Oh, and just because they learn to like your dogs, doesn't mean they'll like the zoo for a few months!
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| Piglets at the Petting Zoo in July |
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| Giraffes at the Bronx Zoo in September |
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| You've come a long way, Babies! |
If It's Hard at First:
A couple days before we traveled to bring the boys home, a neighbor, who is a clinical psychologist and who adopted her daughter from Guatemala, said, "If you don't love them right away don't worry. I didn't love Maya for a while."
Whaaaat???
Now of course I had read about this possibility in books, but hearing it from someone I knew was shocking. I wrote it off, thinking that this could not possibly happen to us. I already loved these boys with all my heart and then some.
Looking back to our first couple months together, there was never a time when I consciously thought I didn't love my boys, but in hindsight I can see that our love was shallow. It lacked the depth a relationship has when you have shared experiences and true intimacy. And whether I wanted to admit it back then or not, I certainly did not love it when I was getting scratched or screamed at!
Adopting toddlers is not for the meek of heart, but challenges and all, it is amazing and beautiful and rewarding. Some families transition easily, some do not, and I think that depends on many factors. Just know that it is normal for some or all aspects of the transition to be hard for a while. If that is you, reach out and talk to other adoptive parents (you can email me if you want!). That was hard for me to do because at times I felt like I was failing, but it was the single most helpful thing I did. A huge heartfelt thanks to those of you who have been there for me, including those of you who support us by way of this blog. Even if we've never met in person, if you've left me a comment, you have helped me in some way!
If you have specific questions about our travel or transition experiences feel free to email me directly. I hope this helps some of you. I hardly ever have time to read other people’s blogs anymore but know that I am out here rooting for each and every one of you. For those traveling soon, I wish you safe travels and peaceful transitions with your long awaited children!
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