The sun came up this morning in spite of our disappointing news yesterday, and it even shines a little brighter today. The punched in the gut feeling has subsided and, although I admit, I am still disappointed and a little weepy, I do find myself looking for the positives.
It’s funny. Before all this started I wouldn’t have described myself as an optimist. I'm much more of a realist really (Mark might have called me a pessimist), but since starting this process I have been extremely optimistic, almost ridiculously so. Yesterday I felt angry at my optimism. I felt like instead of getting positive energy turned into positive action, all it has brought is disappointment after disappointment. But that’s wrong. The outcome would have been the same whether I spent the last year and a half thinking postitive thoughts or negative ones. There is no way to protect your heart from the bumps in the road if they happen. And being optimistic has served a valuable purpose in all of this. It has allowed me to have many moments of joy and peace while waiting for the ultimate joy to come.
I can feel my optimism returning. It would be a shameful waste of precious life to spend the next few months sitting around feeling sorry for myself anyway.
I am also ending the pity party because I know that it is hard for everyone. Doesn’t matter if you have been waiting sixteen months or two months or four years. The waiting is hard and it sucks and that’s about all there is to say about it. And what about how hard it has been for the boys and their birth family? Thirteen months on the wait list, a delayed court process and an unexpected second trip to Ethiopia certainly don’t add up to a fraction of that. Maybe it’s even fitting that our journey to those boys includes pain.
Last night I had twinges of blog post regret. I don’t like posting bad news, especially before I have had a chance to put a bright and shiny spin on it, but then your comments started coming in and I realized, for about the hundredth time, how lucky I feel to have you all out there. In the moment of crushing disappointment it felt like telling you – those who are going through it or who have gone through it themselves and those who are going through it with us – it felt like telling you would make me feel better.
It did.
Thank you for all your words of support. You boosted me up. You kept me afloat. Amazing how a little sympathy and compassion can get a person through a tough night.
Onward…
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Not So Wordless Afterall
Well, we got an update from our caseworker today and it's not good news. Apparently they are still waiting for a document from the orphanage in order to complete our file. This means that our case hasn't even been submitted to the courts yet. It's hard to understand why we have been so unlucky with wait times and hard to swallow that after more than 6 months in care already, these boys have more months ahead of them before they have a family. I think I know what a punching bag feels like...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Milk Mustaches
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Changes to the Changes
Our agency sent out a notice this afternoon indicating that the new court date requirements will not effect families who receive court dates prior to April 9th.
We might just squeak through (now that I have gotten all excited about two trips to Ethiopia and seeing the boys sooner than later!).
Of course, we thought we would get our referral five months sooner than we did, so I am not even going to hazard a guess as to when we'll hear about our court date. Que sera, sera.
Of course, we thought we would get our referral five months sooner than we did, so I am not even going to hazard a guess as to when we'll hear about our court date. Que sera, sera.
They also indicated that there are likely more changes coming as everyone digests this news and figures out what it all means.
Hang tight, fellow waiters. Stay tuned, wonderful supporters...your words of encouragement are so very appreciated.
Hang tight, fellow waiters. Stay tuned, wonderful supporters...your words of encouragement are so very appreciated.
(If you have no idea what the heck I'm talking about, read my earlier post below.)
Changes
As many of you have heard, there were big announcements this week concerning adoptions from Ethiopia.
My week started with this notice from the US Department of State announcing a “change in processing time for adoption cases”. A knot of fear the size of a beach ball formed in my gut and I had a meltdown in the car on my way to the office when I called Mark to tell him about it. Tears and fears of the worst kind came pouring out, into and onto the phone, make-up running, sniffles and sobs. Poor Mark!
The next day our agency responded by saying that they don’t perceive this announcement to be a significant change for their families. They have always delivered gobs of paperwork to the US Embassy in Addis Ababa. The embassy has always had the option of investigating further if they found something suspect. This always had the potential to delay the children’s homecoming. We knew all of this but our agency is ethically rock solid, and we haven’t seen anyone experience this type of delay, so we weren’t too worried about it before. Now? Now we want to believe that these new precautions will only impact agencies like this. The knot of fear in my gut only allows me to believe that time will tell.
Then, throwing salt on the wound, the federal courts in Ethiopia announced yesterday that adoptive parents will now have to travel to Addis Ababa to appear in person for their court date. Previously families only traveled one time, once the adoption was finalized. This goes into effect immediately for anyone who doesn't already have a court date, a.k.a us. Doesn't matter that we have been waiting 9 1/2 weeks for our court date. It is anticipated that this new trip will be for approximately 5 days, at which point families will have to return home without their children, and then go back another 3 to 6 weeks later for their embassy appointment. At that point the children will be allowed to enter the United States and we can bring them home. This is assuming the embassy notice mentioned above doesn’t impact anything.
Knot of fear #1, meet knot of fear #2!
What this means for us is that we will most likely (HOPEFULLY) be among the first to do this – the guinea pigs (I'm ok with that). It means significant added expense, and an unexpected week away from work (we'll manage somehow). It means we might have very little notice before getting on a plane to Ethiopia (I'm ok with that too). It means we will get to meet the boys weeks or even months sooner than expected (clearly I am ok with that!), but only for one day and then we will have to leave them in Ethiopia, return home, and wait some more (ugh, ugh, and ugh). It means this knot of fear in my stomach, now the size of one of those exercise balls at the gym, probably isn’t going to go away for a while.
It also, hopefully, means that disreputable agencies will be stopped. That child trafficking will be thwarted. Thatidiots people like this won’t have the chance to adopt children and then return them like a pair of shoes that didn’t fit. This needs to happen, and I think these new measures will help.
Side note: If you are reading this and thinking about adopting from anywhere, DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Find a reputable agency. Read about how hard the transition might be. Think about how much your life is going to change and whether you are ready for that. Find a support group. Understand that your child(ren) will very likely have some condition – medical, emotional, physical, developmental – that you were not aware of or prepared for! These risks apply to biological children too and just like biological children, adopted children are FOREVER. OK, stepping down off the soapbox...
You may have noticed that I am a glass half full kind of girl so here’s the good news...
1. WE GET TO MEET THE TWINS instead of moping around CT waiting to pass court! It’s not like that week was going to be a particularly productive one anyway!! And it might...oh, please, please please...happen soon.
2. WE GET TO EXPERIENCE ETHIOPIA, our beloved adopted country, TWICE! We were already planning to go over early to travel outside of Addis. Now we’ll just go to Addis twice instead. Mark has been sending me links all morning to the things he wants to do and see.
3. This change will also, hopefully, make things easier on the birth family, who wants to meet us and us them, but who would have had to make two long, arduous and heartbreaking trips to Addis – once for court and then again to meet us. Now we will all be there for the court date (hopefully!).
4. We are lucky. We can take the time off from work. We don’t have any children (YET) and the dogs will just have to suck it up at the kennel an extra week. Financially, well, I feel a little woozy about that one but we will figure it out. It won’t be easy but we can do it. We are now grateful (gasp) that we have had two years to save for the unexpected. My heart goes out to the families who will have more of a struggle with these things.
Honestly, I am excited - if I would let myself it would be bouncing off the walls excited - about getting on that plane and meeting those boys sooner than later. I would do it tomorrow if I could.
And finally, all of this really isn’t unexpected. Every time something about this hit the media or the big Ethiopian adoption Yahoo Group, I would get a little breathless with panic, because this is exactly the kind of thing that shut the doors to international adoption in Vietnam and Guatemala. I am grateful that measures are being put in place to manage the unethical practices and hopeful that it means adoptions in Ethiopia can continue for as long as there are children in need of homes.
So...deep breaths. No one said this was going to be easy and since when do Mark and I do things the easy way anyway?
Onward…
P.S. If you are reading this and thinking it would have been nice of me to call you with these developments, please forgive me. I am a little worn out by all of it and thought it would be better to give all the details here. Please don't worry about us. We're tougher than we look!
My week started with this notice from the US Department of State announcing a “change in processing time for adoption cases”. A knot of fear the size of a beach ball formed in my gut and I had a meltdown in the car on my way to the office when I called Mark to tell him about it. Tears and fears of the worst kind came pouring out, into and onto the phone, make-up running, sniffles and sobs. Poor Mark!
The next day our agency responded by saying that they don’t perceive this announcement to be a significant change for their families. They have always delivered gobs of paperwork to the US Embassy in Addis Ababa. The embassy has always had the option of investigating further if they found something suspect. This always had the potential to delay the children’s homecoming. We knew all of this but our agency is ethically rock solid, and we haven’t seen anyone experience this type of delay, so we weren’t too worried about it before. Now? Now we want to believe that these new precautions will only impact agencies like this. The knot of fear in my gut only allows me to believe that time will tell.
Then, throwing salt on the wound, the federal courts in Ethiopia announced yesterday that adoptive parents will now have to travel to Addis Ababa to appear in person for their court date. Previously families only traveled one time, once the adoption was finalized. This goes into effect immediately for anyone who doesn't already have a court date, a.k.a us. Doesn't matter that we have been waiting 9 1/2 weeks for our court date. It is anticipated that this new trip will be for approximately 5 days, at which point families will have to return home without their children, and then go back another 3 to 6 weeks later for their embassy appointment. At that point the children will be allowed to enter the United States and we can bring them home. This is assuming the embassy notice mentioned above doesn’t impact anything.
Knot of fear #1, meet knot of fear #2!
What this means for us is that we will most likely (HOPEFULLY) be among the first to do this – the guinea pigs (I'm ok with that). It means significant added expense, and an unexpected week away from work (we'll manage somehow). It means we might have very little notice before getting on a plane to Ethiopia (I'm ok with that too). It means we will get to meet the boys weeks or even months sooner than expected (clearly I am ok with that!), but only for one day and then we will have to leave them in Ethiopia, return home, and wait some more (ugh, ugh, and ugh). It means this knot of fear in my stomach, now the size of one of those exercise balls at the gym, probably isn’t going to go away for a while.
It also, hopefully, means that disreputable agencies will be stopped. That child trafficking will be thwarted. That
Side note: If you are reading this and thinking about adopting from anywhere, DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Find a reputable agency. Read about how hard the transition might be. Think about how much your life is going to change and whether you are ready for that. Find a support group. Understand that your child(ren) will very likely have some condition – medical, emotional, physical, developmental – that you were not aware of or prepared for! These risks apply to biological children too and just like biological children, adopted children are FOREVER. OK, stepping down off the soapbox...
You may have noticed that I am a glass half full kind of girl so here’s the good news...
1. WE GET TO MEET THE TWINS instead of moping around CT waiting to pass court! It’s not like that week was going to be a particularly productive one anyway!! And it might...oh, please, please please...happen soon.
2. WE GET TO EXPERIENCE ETHIOPIA, our beloved adopted country, TWICE! We were already planning to go over early to travel outside of Addis. Now we’ll just go to Addis twice instead. Mark has been sending me links all morning to the things he wants to do and see.
3. This change will also, hopefully, make things easier on the birth family, who wants to meet us and us them, but who would have had to make two long, arduous and heartbreaking trips to Addis – once for court and then again to meet us. Now we will all be there for the court date (hopefully!).
4. We are lucky. We can take the time off from work. We don’t have any children (YET) and the dogs will just have to suck it up at the kennel an extra week. Financially, well, I feel a little woozy about that one but we will figure it out. It won’t be easy but we can do it. We are now grateful (gasp) that we have had two years to save for the unexpected. My heart goes out to the families who will have more of a struggle with these things.
Honestly, I am excited - if I would let myself it would be bouncing off the walls excited - about getting on that plane and meeting those boys sooner than later. I would do it tomorrow if I could.
And finally, all of this really isn’t unexpected. Every time something about this hit the media or the big Ethiopian adoption Yahoo Group, I would get a little breathless with panic, because this is exactly the kind of thing that shut the doors to international adoption in Vietnam and Guatemala. I am grateful that measures are being put in place to manage the unethical practices and hopeful that it means adoptions in Ethiopia can continue for as long as there are children in need of homes.
So...deep breaths. No one said this was going to be easy and since when do Mark and I do things the easy way anyway?
Onward…
P.S. If you are reading this and thinking it would have been nice of me to call you with these developments, please forgive me. I am a little worn out by all of it and thought it would be better to give all the details here. Please don't worry about us. We're tougher than we look!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Like a Duck
Nine weeks and one day.
It was warm yesterday and I am clinging to hopeful images of spring. Images of the boys planting peas and spinach in the garden with me, or throwing a ball and having it land in the garden. Small hands digging in the dirt, toys littering the yard, running, laughter. I want to grow more laughter in our garden this spring.
In the meantime, I am trying to remember the duck in this poem, and to be a little more like him.
He isn't cold, and he is thinking things over.
He can rest while the Atlantic heaves, because he rests in the Atlantic.
And what does he do, I ask you?
I like the duck.
It was warm yesterday and I am clinging to hopeful images of spring. Images of the boys planting peas and spinach in the garden with me, or throwing a ball and having it land in the garden. Small hands digging in the dirt, toys littering the yard, running, laughter. I want to grow more laughter in our garden this spring.
In the meantime, I am trying to remember the duck in this poem, and to be a little more like him.
The Duck
by Donald Babcock
Now we're ready to look at something pretty special.
It is a duck, riding the ocean a hundred feet beyond the surf.
No it isn't a gull. A gull always has a raucous touch about him.
This is some sort of duck, and he cuddles in the swells.
It is a duck, riding the ocean a hundred feet beyond the surf.
No it isn't a gull. A gull always has a raucous touch about him.
This is some sort of duck, and he cuddles in the swells.
He isn't cold, and he is thinking things over.
There is a big heaving in the Atlantic, and he is a part of it.
He looks a bit like a mandarin, or the Lord Buddha meditating under the Bo tree.
But he has hardly enough above the eyes to be a philosopher.
He has poise, however, which is what philosophers must have.
He can rest while the Atlantic heaves, because he rests in the Atlantic.
Probably he doesn't know how large the ocean is.
And neither do you.
But he realizes it.
But he realizes it.
And what does he do, I ask you?
He sits down in it!
He reposes in the immediate as if it were infinity — which it is.
He has made himself a part of the boundless by easing himself into just where it touches him.
He reposes in the immediate as if it were infinity — which it is.
He has made himself a part of the boundless by easing himself into just where it touches him.
I like the duck.
He doesn't know much.
But he's got religion.
But he's got religion.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Music Therapy
See the World
by Gomez
Day to day
Where do you want to be?
cose now you're trying to pick a fight
With everyone you need
You seem like a soldier
Who's lost his composure
You're wounded and playing a waiting game
In no-man's land no-one's to blame
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance
Besides a shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You're worn-out, a bit broke
An' askin me time and time again
When the answer's still the same
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay
See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Gifts
At the beginning of this process, one of the ways I weeded through the many agencies we had to choose from was by reading and posting on a variety of adoption related Yahoo Groups.
One of the people who responded to my inquiries stood out. First of all, she lived in our state and I was hoping to connect with other local families who looked like ours was about to look (little did I know how many amazing families I would have the privilege of meeting along this road). Secondly, she mentioned that she was on the wait list for siblings. Mark and I were drawn to the idea of siblings from the very beginning but at that point I still had some fears and doubts about wait times, older child adoption, and the sheer craziness of adopting two at one time. I went back and forth over email several times with this woman and her words really helped me move past some of those fears and embrace what was in my heart. She was also instrumental in my decision to go with Gladney, a decision that we are extremely happy with, but that’s for another post.
About a month after this email exchange, the gentleman who runs our agency's program in Ethiopia, Belay Tafesse (wonderful person also worthy of his own future post), was in town for a dinner with local Ethiopian adoptive families. We didn't know any of these other families at the time and primarily attended the dinner hoping to meet Belay and get some additional advice about adopting siblings (I wrote about that conversation here). We walked into the event and randomly sat down at a table where a few people were already seated. After introductions and about twenty minutes of small talk (if you can call adoption talk small), one of the women said something, I don't remember what, but a light bulb went on.
Me: "Wait, are you Monique DRUCKER???"
Monique Drucker: "Well, yes, I am..." (As her husband turned to me with the funniest "how the heck do you know that" look).
You probably have guessed where I'm going with all of this. Monique was the woman I had emailed back and forth with, and so began my very first adoption friendship.
Over the year and a half that has transpired since, Monique has proven to be an incredibly supportive friend and a beautiful example of how to get through this crazy roller coaster of a process. As time went on, our paths became more and more intertwined. Last summer and again this winter we thought that things might align in such a way that we would be traveling together. Theirs is not my story to tell but suffice it to say that the Druckers have had the hardest and longest adoption story I have yet to hear, at least with our agency. Monique weathered that journey with poise and grace at every heart wrenching turn and I sometimes wonder how I would have handled some of our harder moments without her example to follow.
But that was then and this is now and today it is a happy story I get to tell. Monique and her husband and mother are in Ethiopia this week meeting THEIR TWINS. She has been posting from Ethiopia on her blog - go see! I can’t wait to meet these beautiful kids and I love that our children will grow-up knowing another set of twins who share this part of their story.
Of course Monique has also met THE twins this week (the ones that the moon and stars orbit around in this house). In fact, she had the presence of mind to meet them shortly after meeting her own children on the very first day they arrived, and she was back again today to deliver care packages and spend a little more time with them. She sent me the most wonderful email this afternoon describing their personalities, reporting that they are happy and healthy and adorable and smart, and that we are going to "have our hands full"! She actually said the hands full part twice.
Two and a half year old twin boys a handful? Really? You think????????
I like to believe that coincidences are actually signs, evidence that we are on the right path. There have been so many signs along our way to these boys, Monique truly being one of them. Her friendship is also one example of the many gifts that come with adoption. We are blessed. We are on the right path. And the two best big handfuls of gifts are coming very soon!
One of the people who responded to my inquiries stood out. First of all, she lived in our state and I was hoping to connect with other local families who looked like ours was about to look (little did I know how many amazing families I would have the privilege of meeting along this road). Secondly, she mentioned that she was on the wait list for siblings. Mark and I were drawn to the idea of siblings from the very beginning but at that point I still had some fears and doubts about wait times, older child adoption, and the sheer craziness of adopting two at one time. I went back and forth over email several times with this woman and her words really helped me move past some of those fears and embrace what was in my heart. She was also instrumental in my decision to go with Gladney, a decision that we are extremely happy with, but that’s for another post.
About a month after this email exchange, the gentleman who runs our agency's program in Ethiopia, Belay Tafesse (wonderful person also worthy of his own future post), was in town for a dinner with local Ethiopian adoptive families. We didn't know any of these other families at the time and primarily attended the dinner hoping to meet Belay and get some additional advice about adopting siblings (I wrote about that conversation here). We walked into the event and randomly sat down at a table where a few people were already seated. After introductions and about twenty minutes of small talk (if you can call adoption talk small), one of the women said something, I don't remember what, but a light bulb went on.
Me: "Wait, are you Monique DRUCKER???"
Monique Drucker: "Well, yes, I am..." (As her husband turned to me with the funniest "how the heck do you know that" look).
You probably have guessed where I'm going with all of this. Monique was the woman I had emailed back and forth with, and so began my very first adoption friendship.
Over the year and a half that has transpired since, Monique has proven to be an incredibly supportive friend and a beautiful example of how to get through this crazy roller coaster of a process. As time went on, our paths became more and more intertwined. Last summer and again this winter we thought that things might align in such a way that we would be traveling together. Theirs is not my story to tell but suffice it to say that the Druckers have had the hardest and longest adoption story I have yet to hear, at least with our agency. Monique weathered that journey with poise and grace at every heart wrenching turn and I sometimes wonder how I would have handled some of our harder moments without her example to follow.
But that was then and this is now and today it is a happy story I get to tell. Monique and her husband and mother are in Ethiopia this week meeting THEIR TWINS. She has been posting from Ethiopia on her blog - go see! I can’t wait to meet these beautiful kids and I love that our children will grow-up knowing another set of twins who share this part of their story.
Of course Monique has also met THE twins this week (the ones that the moon and stars orbit around in this house). In fact, she had the presence of mind to meet them shortly after meeting her own children on the very first day they arrived, and she was back again today to deliver care packages and spend a little more time with them. She sent me the most wonderful email this afternoon describing their personalities, reporting that they are happy and healthy and adorable and smart, and that we are going to "have our hands full"! She actually said the hands full part twice.
Two and a half year old twin boys a handful? Really? You think????????
I like to believe that coincidences are actually signs, evidence that we are on the right path. There have been so many signs along our way to these boys, Monique truly being one of them. Her friendship is also one example of the many gifts that come with adoption. We are blessed. We are on the right path. And the two best big handfuls of gifts are coming very soon!
These are the gifts that Monique delivered to the boys today. Apparently the balls were a huge hit! There were also two little Dr. Seuss books and some socks and undies that I didn't get a picture of. Thank you for everything, Monique!!
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