Resilience

I have mentioned a time or two that I have found this long wait to be rewarding in unexpected ways.

One way has been the unforeseen network of amazing people that have come into my life - some of whom I see regularly, some occasionally, and others only via the internet but who nonetheless have become friends. All of you and all your support has been invaluable to me.

Another important benefit has been the opportunity to further develop my skills at being resilient.

Resilience is defined as both the ability to adapt to difficult situations and the ability to discover new opportunities for personal growth in the face of adversity. It is the art of bouncing back, adapting to change, and handling stressful situations with a positive outlook. People who are resilient still feel the same things that everybody else feels but they find ways to remain optimistic and to persevere.

The world of international adoption has offered me some amazing role models in this skill over the past year. Anyone who has followed this family, or this family, or the D. Family (no blog but personal friends of ours) knows what I am talking about.

A year ago, overwhelmed with all the things that could potentially go wrong with our adoption, I wondered how I would ever remain optimistic and hopeful. But here I am, five days shy of ten months on the wait list, feeling optimistic and hopeful. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I feel all sorts of yucky emotions, but they are fleeting and I have developed strategies for coping with them (that don't include potato chips, chocolate or ice cream!).

I recently came across 5 Quick Tips for Building Your Resiliency Right Now, by Joni S. Mantell, LCSW, Director of Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center. Thought some of you might find this helpful so I paraphrase the key points below. You can read the unabridged version here.

1. Get Connected.

Absolutely nothing helps more with adversity and stress than to feel the support and validation of people who understand and/or care about you. Find a way to communicate. Essentially you will want to build a web of connectedness. You may find your support within your relationship, with a friend, a counselor or in a support group; and most likely you will get something from each of these sources at different times.

2. Take care of yourself.

Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and with people you enjoy or trying something new, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep and eating well. And if you need to, take a mental health break from obligatory social activities that upset you because your feelings about not having a baby get stirred up. This is a normal reaction to your difficult situation. Remember this is temporary and that you will not always need to do this, so it's ok to avoid uncomfortable social situations for awhile.

3. Remember that laughter is always the best medicine.

Use humor and laughter whenever you can. Remaining positive or finding humor in distressing or stressful situations does not mean you are in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you simply cannot find humor in your situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book, movie or friend. File this tip under "distraction is a necessity."

4. Work toward your goals.

All you really have to do is take one step at a time. Resilient people keep learning and trying even when they feel upset. The answers will reveal themselves even if you do not or cannot know what they are at this point in time.

5. Learn how to make decisions when under stress.

A resilient person is an individual facing serious difficulties that accepts them as a pivotal moment. Whatever brought you to this point of needing to become more resilient, may actually turn out to be the same thing that leads you to gain a new appreciation for life, for your relationships and your personal capacities to handle stress, solve problems and make sound decisions. Try to be proud of yourself and keep moving on.

So feel proud and keep writing, or talking to your families and friends, or leaving comments on stranger’s blogs if that’s your thing (I love all you commenters!). Onward brave adoption soldiers! Every day brings us one day closer to our babies!