On Joy and Sorrow

Lately some of you have been saying the nicest darn things. I have been moved to tears (the good kind) by comments and posts from some of you, many of whom I have never even met, and it must be said that I appreciate your support so very much. It really does help.

A few of you have mentioned how strong I seem, which makes me realize that I have only been telling you half the story. The nice thing about the internet is that I only have to write when I am feeling positive. I only have to show you things like yummy food and cute hand knit toys. What I don’t show you are the dust bunnies piling up in the corners when I would rather spend way too much time on the internet seeking wisdom from others, or researching adoption, Ethiopia, or transracial parenting because sometimes these are the only things I can think about. Some days I do feel strong, but other days I am grieving. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Map a day to a stage and you have a pretty good picture of what a week feels like for me right now!

But, over the past 17 months, I have watched other families go through a lot worse than waiting 12+ months for a referral, and that gives me perspective. I watched those families in awe of their strength and in fear of becoming one of them – one of the unfortunate who got hung up somewhere in the process (some of you are probably feeling the same as you read this). I thought if that happened to us I would be a complete and utter mess but here I am, one of “them”, and I am not a mess. Life goes on. Hope and maternal instinct are incredibly powerful motivators. And that old adage, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”…well, it’s true. Even though we don't feel strong every day, Mark and I are stronger as individuals and the roots of our marriage have grown deeper and more intertwined because of this experience. I cannot think of a better way to prepare our hearts and our home for two children who are undoubtedly experiencing some pretty tough stuff themselves right now. And, of course being the eternal optimist, I think that the happiness that awaits us will surly outweigh the challenges of the past few months.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I may not always be strong, but what I am is hopeful. What I hope for (oh, please let it be so) is that 2010 brings us, and each and every one of you, much joy!

Happy holidays!

Love,
Heidi


On Joy And Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.