Wordless Wednesday

On Joy and Sorrow

Lately some of you have been saying the nicest darn things. I have been moved to tears (the good kind) by comments and posts from some of you, many of whom I have never even met, and it must be said that I appreciate your support so very much. It really does help.

A few of you have mentioned how strong I seem, which makes me realize that I have only been telling you half the story. The nice thing about the internet is that I only have to write when I am feeling positive. I only have to show you things like yummy food and cute hand knit toys. What I don’t show you are the dust bunnies piling up in the corners when I would rather spend way too much time on the internet seeking wisdom from others, or researching adoption, Ethiopia, or transracial parenting because sometimes these are the only things I can think about. Some days I do feel strong, but other days I am grieving. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Map a day to a stage and you have a pretty good picture of what a week feels like for me right now!

But, over the past 17 months, I have watched other families go through a lot worse than waiting 12+ months for a referral, and that gives me perspective. I watched those families in awe of their strength and in fear of becoming one of them – one of the unfortunate who got hung up somewhere in the process (some of you are probably feeling the same as you read this). I thought if that happened to us I would be a complete and utter mess but here I am, one of “them”, and I am not a mess. Life goes on. Hope and maternal instinct are incredibly powerful motivators. And that old adage, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”…well, it’s true. Even though we don't feel strong every day, Mark and I are stronger as individuals and the roots of our marriage have grown deeper and more intertwined because of this experience. I cannot think of a better way to prepare our hearts and our home for two children who are undoubtedly experiencing some pretty tough stuff themselves right now. And, of course being the eternal optimist, I think that the happiness that awaits us will surly outweigh the challenges of the past few months.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I may not always be strong, but what I am is hopeful. What I hope for (oh, please let it be so) is that 2010 brings us, and each and every one of you, much joy!

Happy holidays!

Love,
Heidi


On Joy And Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

For Tam

Last Days
~ by Mary Oliver (of course, who else!)

Things are
    changing; things are starting to
            spin, snap, fly off into
                    the blue sleeve of the long
                             afternoon. Oh and ooh
come whistling out of the persished mouth
      of the grass, as things
turn soft, boil back
      into substance and hue. As everything,
           forgetting its own enchantment, whispers;
                 I too love oblivion why not it is full
                        of second chances. Now,
hiss the bright curls of the leaves. Now!
   booms the muscle of the wind.

xoxo, h

Saturday Night at Our House

A little light reading (!)...

Nitter Kebbeh and Berbere

Yetakelt W'et

and Mesir Wat. YUM!

Follow the links if you want the recipes for these delicious dishes!

Our first SNOW of the season!

And now our favorite Christmas movie.

Ah, life is good...and about to get even better :)

Ah, It's Time ***Updated***

The Measure
~ by Mary Oliver, New Poems, 2004 - 2005

I stopped the car and ran back and across the road
and picked up the box turtle, who only
hissed and withdrew herself into her pretty shell.
Well, goodness, it was early in the morning, not too much traffic.
Rather an adventure than a risk, and anyway
who wouldn't give aid to such a shy citizen?
Who wouldn't complete the journey for it, taking it of course
in the direction of its desire: a pinewoods
where, as I learned, the blueberries ripen early.
Probably she had thought, in the middle of the night - Ah, it's time.
Sometimes I think our own lives are watched over like that.
Out of the mystery of the hours and the days
something says - Let's give this one a little trial.
Let's, say, put a turtle in the road she's traveling on, and in a hurry.
Let's see how her life is measuring up, that lucky girl.
So much happiness, so much good fortune. Ah, it's time.

(for Beka & Jake and Rebecca & Colin on the eve of their third try at passing court...xoxo, h)

****UPDATE! Apparently third time really is a charm because both families passed court today! You can go here and here to congratulate the new parents and see pictures of their beautiful children!****

Month 12

That’s right! Today is the anniversary of the day Mark and I received the wonderful news that we were approved and officially placed on the wait list to adopt siblings from Ethiopia. We have officially been waiting a full year, unofficially a year and six months, which is a lot longer than we thought we'd have to wait, and I'm pretty sure longer than any other family with our agency, but not nearly as long as many families have waited with other agencies. I chuckle now to think of all the things I tried to do to make this process go faster. Truly this is out of my hands and in the hands of something/someone much bigger than little ol’ control freak me. I thought I got that before, but I don’t think I really did until this past month.

I cannot tell a lie, this past month has been tough. Some of the challenges have been related to the length of time we have been waiting, and others have been related to some unexpected calls that we received from our agency. I really believed that I had thought through all the possible scenarios of how this was going to go down, but I missed this scenario completely and that caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to tell this story, but then I was inspired by the honesty of this person when she wrote this and I think our story might actually help someone else some day so here it is.

Typically how it works is that our agency matches a family with a child or children, and then lots of stuff goes on behind the scenes to make sure that the child(ren) are truly available for that family to pursue. Things like the birth family interview, developmental evaluation, medical tests and I think maybe some paperwork all typically happen without the family knowing anything about being matched. Sometimes that behind the scenes stuff can take a few months, especially if a family has requested a second PCR test, and often the child(ren) have been in Gladney’s care for some time before the family is called with their referral (that’s when you find out who you have been matched with, get to see pictures, learn their history, health, etc.). Typically the referral call is the only call a family receives.

Much to our shock and dismay, a month ago we received a different kind of call, and learned that we still had not even been matched. Because we had waited such a long time and because there still were no siblings available within our age preference, our agency called while they were in the process of trying to match us to ask if we wanted to up our age preference. Over a year ago, we intentionally had our home study written to allow exactly this to happen, but truthfully we never dreamed that it would and we had sort of forgotten about it until we got this call.

Let me back up a bit. About 15 months ago, while we were in the midst of doing our home study, we had a conversation with Belay, the head of our agency’s program in Ethiopia. In that conversation he confirmed that the wait for a young sibling pair was unpredictable and that it really depended on who else was on the waitlist ahead of us and what children were available when our turn came up. He pointed out that sometimes children became available that were just slightly outside a family’s age preference, especially if that preference was in the extremely popular 0 – 12 month range, but if their home study only approved them for children up to 12 months of age he couldn’t even tell the family about the slightly older children. He said that once he had 15 month old twins with no family to adopt them in spite of the fact that several families were waiting for an infant or twins 0-12 months.

We took that conversation to heart and in order to keep our options open, we had our home study written to approve us for two children 0 – 5 years of age. Then when it came time to specify our preference, we asked our agency to match us with siblings who were 0-15 and 0-39 months old (originally we had it at 0-12 and 0-30 but we upped it in April hoping to speed things up. Chuckling again…you can’t blame a girl for trying!). Typically families are matched with children within their specified preference. In fact, I can't think of any stories where that did not happen, which is why I was caught off guard when our caseworker called.

It must be said that we are glad Gladney is handeling our case this way, and we trust that everything is going to work out just as it should in time, but we can see why most families are shielded from this stage of the process.

I don’t mean to be mysterious, but for many reasons I cannot reveal all the details of the calls we have had with our caseworker over the past month. Suffice it to say that we have increased our age range in order to pursue a specific sibling pair that might become available. We have not seen their faces and we don’t know much about them other than their approximate ages, and we don't know when we will learn more. To get an idea of what I mean by might become available, head over here and console this amazing family who apparently has been having similar conversations with their caseworker.

So, we wait some more, but we’ve had a small preview into what might be to come, and we are holding our breath, hoping that this next call is good news and that it comes soon. Stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, please also head over here, to the blog of my wait list buddy, Beka – my wait list TWIN actually because we went on the wait list the same day, exactly one year ago today. Beka, is anxiously awaiting news of whether she and her husband passed court in Ethiopia last night. If you read her post on December 10th I won’t have to tell you how amazing she is. Who has the presence of mind, after waiting so very long to bring her son home, to so graciously think of others on a night like that?! My beloved wait list twin, Beka, that’s who. I am blessed.

Christmas in Ethiopia

As we prepare for Christmas I often think of what this time of year will be like once our children are home. We want to incorporate some of the Ethiopian customs into our family traditions and this time of year seems like a perfect occasion to do this.

Christmas in Ethiopia is called Ganna and because Ethiopia has its own ancient calendar, which has much in common with the Coptic Egyptian Calendar, Ganna falls on January 7th instead of December 25th. One of the things we plan to do on January 7th is cook some of the traditional Ethiopian foods including wat - essentially a spicy stew - and injera, which is a sourdough pancake of sorts that is used to scoop up the wat.

I heard that injera is quite difficult to get right and I have not tried my hand at it yet, but I did buy some teff flour at our local Whole Foods today - baby steps, baby steps! We also made a batch of berbere last night. For those who don't know, this is the traditional spice used to flavor most Ethiopian cooking. It is quite hot and spicy! At the moment we have our first dora wat on the stove and it smells great!

Please watch this amazing slide show by the BBC of Ganna traditions in Ethiopia.

Raising Awareness ***Updated***

33 million people in the world have HIV

22 million of them are in Africa

13 million children in Africa are AIDS orphans

Please bear with me while I step onto my soap box for a moment. You see, I have this blog, and people actually seem to be reading it occasionally, and I see it as an honor, a privlidge and a duty to take your time once in a while to focus on something other than me, myself and my very long winded wait for our children!

Today is World AIDS Day - an international day dedicated to raising awareness about HIV and AIDS around the world. World AIDS Day has been held on December 1st every year since 1988. I am sorry to say that I did not know that until recently. In fact, I am sorry to say that until about a year and a half ago, when we began researching options for adopting internationally, I was at best peripherally aware and at most marginally concerned about the AIDS epidemic.

Part of my excuse is because I personally knew (know!) people in this country who are living full, normal, healthy lives with HIV due to the developments in HIV drugs and because their human rights are protected – meaning that their doctor can’t tell their boss and their boss can’t take away their livelihood and their neighbor can't run them out of their home because they are HIV positive. What I wasn't as in touch with is the fact that millions and millions of people in other countries aren't so lucky.

Another reason was because the problem felt so big, so overwhelming, what could one little person possibly do? And, truthfully, the third reason was because it felt so far removed from my own little world that it didn’t feel like my problem. How to afford that new dining room table and finish that project at work on time were my problems...

Then I read a book, and I met some people, and I watched videos of people adopting children, and now we are adopting children who most likely will have been touched by this epidemic, and certainly the country that is giving us these children has been deeply effected. Suddenly, six degrees and a few books later, my eyes are open and it has all become very personal.

If you too are wondering what one little person can do, there are a few things. And no, I’m not going to suggest that everyone adopt a child (or two!). Of course if you are lucky enough to find yourself with that calling, I will tell you that it will be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life, but clearly that is not an option for everyone so here are some other options.


1. Educate yourself. Educate others.

It costs about 40 cents a day for the 2 pills that can help keep a person living with HIV in Africa alive. This year’s theme for World AIDS Day is “human rights and access to treatment”, chosen to address the critical need to protect human rights and make HIV prevention, treatment, care and support accessible to all. The theme also acts as a call to countries to remove laws that discriminate against people living with HIV. Healthcare may not be perfect in this country but it is immensely better than what most people have. People with HIV in the United States are living normal, healthy, active lives because their human rights are protected and they have access to, and can afford, the drugs that keep the immune system healthy. Millions and millions of people outside this country do not have access to these drugs, nor do they have protection against discrimination.


2. Read a book. Recommend a book to others.

I highly recommend the book There Is No Me Without You by Melissa Faye Green. This is an incredibly moving and eye opening true story about a woman who lost a daughter to AIDS, and then opened her heart and her home to AIDS orphans in Ethiopia. I have also heard good things about, but have not read, 28: Stories of AIDS in Africa.


3. Shop. Donate.

A very easy way to support this cause is to give money. Shop (RED) or peruse the links on the side of my blog for other gift ideas and recommended Chartiy organizations.


Simple, right? No, I know, not simple at all, but even just caring enough to read this can make a difference so thank you for reading.

Stepping off the soap box now…



***I just came across this article by Parenting Magazine. Highly recommended reading.***



"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" ~Mary Oliver

My One Wild and Precious Life

First, a belated Happy Thanksgiving to all! Here are a few things I am thankful for...

This guy...

And these guys...

And the little guys or gals that will some day wear these. Truly, I am so thankful that life has led us to adoption.

And, of course, I am thankful for all of you!

I found myself feeling not only thankful but actually quite grateful for the long holiday weekend and took it as an opportunity to step away from the internet, the phone and all fantasies of getting the call. Four days without even the possibility of that call was not only refreshing but it made me realize that I have become a little too consumed with all this waiting, resulting in a tendency to live in my head and in the future instead of the here and now. My Thanksgiving Resolution (maybe this one will stick better than the New Year's kind!) is to not waste these next few months of waiting merely waiting, but rather living in the present where I have so much to be thankful for :)

The Summer Day

by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

Singsong Saturday

On The Road To Find Out
~ by Cat Stevens

Well I left my happy home to see what I could find out
I left my folk and friends with the aim to clear my mind out
Well I hit the rowdy road and many kinds I met there
Many stories told me of the way to get there
So on and on I go, the seconds tick the time out
There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to find out

Well in the end I'll know, but on the way I wonder
Through descending snow, and through the frost and thunder
Well, I listen to the wind come howl, telling me I have to hurry
I listen to the robin's song saying not to worry
So on and on I go, the seconds tick the time out
There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to findout

Then I found myself alone, hopin' someone would miss me
Thinking about my home, and the last woman to kiss me, kiss me
But sometimes you have to moan when nothing seems to suit yer
But nevertheless you know you're locked towards the future
So on and on you go, the seconds tick the time out
There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to findout

Then I found my head one day when I wasn't even trying
And here I have to say, 'cause there is no use in lying, lying
Yes the answer lies within, so why not take a look now?
Kick out the devil's sin, pick up, pick up a good book now