In the days following the news about our court date, I have been surprised to find that this long awaited milestone has not lifted the heaviness of waiting. It has also unexpectedly resurfaced some heavy thoughts and feelings about the birth family.
Do they know the date yet?
What must they be feeling?
Will they get to see the boys on April 23rd (I think yes) and will it offer any peace to see them so chubby and healthy and happy, or only throw salt on their fresh wounds?
Will they make the long trip back to Addis to meet us when we travel (oh I hope so)? How will I tell them all that is in my heart, through two translators, through the tears I might have trouble holding in?
These are the things I have been thinking about.
When we started all this I didn't really understand how I would feel about the birth family. Being an adoptee myself, I think I have some insight into the thoughts and feelings our adopted children might have growing up, but as an adoptive mother the whole birth family thing, to be honest, felt scary and complicated.
Then we got our referral. My tears of joy mingled with tears of sorrow as I heard their story. The day after we got our court date it happened again. I wept for the boys and for the birth family--for all that they have lost, for all that they must be feeling, for their sacrifice which was clearly an act of love, and because of my own gratitude.
I had no idea how much love I could feel for these people I have never met, but after falling head over heals for these two little boys, it is impossible not to love them. I'm sure the fog will lift as we get nearer to that court date but at the moment I just can't seem to shake how very sad all this happy news really is.
15 comments:
I think about this all the time. I feel so selfish wishing for our referral to get here because I know what that means. I mourn the months we will miss with our child but think of the years they will miss.
I've been away awhile and this is the first thing I've read.
I'm happy for you two and the boys. You all deserve happiness.
I'm sad for their Ethiopian family. They deserve happiness too and so much more.
Your words really caught in my throat.
I hope these next few weeks magically fly by.
This isn't an easy journey. At each step we're faced with a few moments of ups, which for some reason are always followed by a few downs. It's odd really.
In some way, it forces us to bring every emotion front & center; all of which are preparing us for parenthood.
As adoptive parents, we can never forget the birth family's point of view.
XO
I struggled with this a lot too right after I got the referral for Elfe, and for much of the time between referral and travel. Even now, it hits me unexpectedly sometimes, and I can see it hitting Elfe too. I'm not sure it gets any easier, and I'm also not sure I would want it to - I think we should remember that other people were involved in creating our families.
I didn't know you were adopted, would love to read your perspective as an adult adoptee in the future!
I think about the birth family all the time. Especially one special lady in the birth family - an aunt - who seems to have been a pivotal part of all of this.
We really hope to meet her when we travel. But what do we say? I am sure there are no words! But somehow I love this lady. I am so thankful for her - for her wisdom, for her forethought, for her diligence, for her sacrifice. I cry for her loss. I cry for her struggle. I cry for what has been her life.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is really touching - and thanks for sharing that you are an adoptee! How special!
Hey Friend, I too, have been thinking about our meeting with the birth family . Just this week I was talking with my friend Christy, about the mixture of emotions, joy...yet terrible sadness over the loss our sweet children have already experienced in their short little lives. I have been thinking about all I hope to find out, yet am afraid to ask. Will the roller coaster EVER end? :) Hugs to you! Been thinking of you alot these past few days...
We found out the day before we were to meet the birthmother that she was unable to be located. That hit me harder than anything else in this whole process. I grieved for her as she would never again see her son and I grieved for Deacon knowing I wouldn't be able to answer some of the questions I had hoped.
Thankfully I had his 'special mother' at the care center write him a letter and then had it translated. She had been with him since he was 2 weeks old and that helped ease the pain.
Heidi, when we met B's half-brother (who was the one who relinquished her) it just about broke my heart. But, although you could see the sadness in his eyes, you could also see that he was happy to know she would have a good life. After meeting him, Matt and I went back to the guest house and sobbed our eyes out. This is all a part of adoption. It's beautiful and its terrible all at once. Sometimes its hard to reconcile these two things in your head.
A few weeks ago, I was trying to tell B about her birth-mother (who died) and I couldn't even get the words out. I just started crying. I think you just have to accept the sadness and, in a way, revel in it. It's how we form our families.
bitter sweet....I think there will always be this lingering...even now I can feel it and we are still so far away. Try to remember that you are part of the healing process...for everyone.
much love...one who will most surely be tearful on that day.
I struggle with this a lot. I have yet to be able to put it to words. You, of course, do it with all your heart. I love you for that. I so enjoyed reading all the comments you have received so far. This community blows me away day in and day out. XOXOXOXO
Since I saw you and we talked over lunch, I have been thinking a lot about the birth family, too. I am comforted by the fact that you are aware of how they might be feeling and will be sensitive during this transition. I know it's hard to hold the excitement and the sorrow together, but ultimately these boys will benefit not only from the security you will give them, but also your emotional intelligence and resilience.
So much, isn't it? Happy for you and I understand some of the feelings you describe. Bittersweet indeed.
This is exactly the same way I felt, Heidi. The day she passed was so heavy for me for the exact reasons you listed. It was such a happy/sad day.
Love your heart.
The sadness will not lessen, it will intensify.
Heidi-For months I worried that I would cry when I met Yeabsera's birthmother. And then, we were in Ethiopia meeting her and guess what?? I cried. And guess what?? It was o.k. that I cried and that she cried. It was exactly right. The only thing that really mattered at the meeting was that we were able to convey to her our committment to Yeabsera and our family which I think we did...through some tears. It is a crazy, unbelievable and, in many ways, unimaginable meeting. When it is happening it is more out of body experience...and yet you know that you will think of it for the rest of your life. In the almost year that Yeabsera has been home the memory of our birthmother meeting has 'hit' me very suddenly and unexpectedly several times. I imagine this will continue. Sometimes I try to 'channel' her and send her peace. Often times I wish I could pick up a phone and tell her how amazing Yeabsera is and how happy and beautiful she is. I imagine this will also continue. This is the triangle of adoption and, I suppose, as it should be.
How is it possible that I didn't know you were adopted???
love love love you-
ellie
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